Charivari

Mr Big comes clean

Whodunnit? Who masterminded the legal coup of the year? I mean, of course, the anonymous payment of £65,000 to the In dustrial Relations Court on behalf of the engineers' union, saving the country from the strike which would almost certainly have polished Great Britain Ltd off for once and all.

By the time these words appear in print I expect many false rumours will have been put about regarding the identity of the mysterious Mr Big to whom we all owe so much. What public figure would not like it to be thought that he had a hand in last week's dramatic rescue operation! But whatever you may have heard or seen to the contrary, I am in a position to state quite categorically that Mr Big is not Michael Foot nor Len Murray nor Lord Stokes nor Lord Goodman nor Campbell Adamson nor any of the others who have been mentioned.

Mr Big is none other than — Mr Big. Or as he used to be known before his recent decision to abbreviate his surname, Mr. Biggs. To be precise, Mr Ronald Biggs, formerly of Wandsworth, now resident in Rio de Janeiro. Despite his many years of foreign travel, my client — for I have the honour of .having been appointed as one of his publicity team — has never ceased to be a true patriot, with Britain's national interests always close to his heart. And he is, as everyone knows, a large-hearted man.

As is also well known, or at least widely suspected, he is the possessor of a still considerable fortune, the remains of the profit he earned from an imaginative project carried out in his native land some years ago. I say 'is' but the word should really be 'was' since much of that money, deposited in various accounts in London, went to make up the sum which he cabled to his nominees should be handed to the court.

Some 'holier than thou' persons who are not lacking in debates on our political and commercial affairs, may affect horror at the way the money was acquired. They may even argue that it is illegitimate for the court to accept any of it. Though naturally my client does not share their point of view, it was fear that controversy of that sort might hold up a speedy decision by the court that led him to keep his identity concealed until today. Now that the strike has been called off, it is inconceivable that the court's action be reversed, and he feels it is safe to claim credit where credit is due.

Having sacrificed the greater part of his investments for the national good, Ronald Big is no longer a rich man. However, with the entrepreneurial flair for which he has become famous, he is in process of launching a whole string of projects which he and I are confident will shortly make him much richer than ever before. You probably already know that he is writing his autobiography and granting interviews at a fee of £5,000 a time. I can reveal that, even before the book is finished, screen rights have been bought and it is hoped that Robert Redford will agree to star in a film which is likely to be a still greater success than The Great Gatsby.

Gatsby, after all, is merely a character in what for the mass of cinema-goers, was until recently an unheard-of book, whereas Ronald Big is a hero figure to half the world. Accordingly, the merchandising spin-off from the film Mr Big will be proportionately greater than that from The Great Gatsby. While Cadbury-Schweppes is merely marketing one Gatsby cocktail drink, we are offering a rival company the franchise for a whole range of Mr Big beers and spirits, with a portrait of the hero on every bottle label.

A chain of Mr Big restaurants is also planned, not to mention T-shirts, Ronnie wrist-watches, Great Train Robber boutiques and all the othv outlets for a large

scale franchising operation. My client is also practising the guitar with a view to releasing an LP record of Brazilian, Australian and English ballads, Ronnie Sings.

The only question is where he will set up his business headquarters. In view of the foreign currency earnings certain to accrue from his enterprises, Brazil is expected to reconsider its decision to withdraw his residence permit. Nevertheless, my client really wants to go home to Britain, provided the Government grants him a pardon and promises that he will not be sent back to prison.

In view of what he has just done for the country, it is the least he deserves.

Long live secrecy

At the risk of falling out with the editor of The Spectator — a gentleman for whom I entertain the deepest affection — I must publicly dissent from the notion propounded in this journal that Members of Parliament should be required compulsorily to register all their outside financial interests.

It is said in support of this proposal that it would do much to eliminate scandals and recriminations of the kind which recently have filled the columns of the press to overflowing. I agree and that in a nutshell is my objection.

Scandal is the life blood of the press, and 1 for one will have nothing to do with any step calculated to stem that vital flow. The press faces quite enough threats to its survival without devising such suicidal schemes. Besides, without regular disclosures of petty villainy on the part of our rulers, we the ruled might easily fall into the habit of regarding them as honourable and reliable men. Than which nothing could be more dangerous.

Chad Babble