Banned wagon
A weekly survey, of the things our rulers want to prohibit
LAST week my six-year-old son arrived home with a couple of stick insects which have been nibbling leaves, copulating and generally merry-making in a plastic tub in his bedroom ever since. How much longer before the animal welfare police arrive to take the beasts away is an interesting question: the government has announced its intention to incorporate into its forthcoming Animal Welfare Bill the European Convention for the Protection of Pet Animals, an obscure treaty agreed back in 1987.
No scurrying bug is too humble to be granted protection under this convention; it applies to 'any animal kept or intended to be kept by man in particular in his household for private enjoyment and companionship'. Hence your children will be forbidden from breeding glow-worms in a jar until first they have conducted a thorough assessment of the 'anatomical, physiological and behavioural characteristics which are likely to put at risk the health and welfare of either the offspring or the female parent'. Under the convention, you will not be allowed to put your sick gerbil out of its misery without employing a vet to do the deed. Sixteen-yearolds will be forbidden from purchasing a pet of any kind.
The convention seeks to outlaw the docking of tails, declawing or defanging, so empowering your pet rattlesnake to get its own back if it fancies. The future of many pedigree dogs is uncertain; under the convention, owners are forbidden from creating breeds considered to have unhealthful characteristics: boxers, whose anatomy puts them at risk of breathing problems, could be at risk, as could dogs with short legs and long backs. As for the Andrex puppy, things look bleak: the convention demands that animals must not be used in adverts unless their 'ethological needs' are first considered. At least this will provide a job opportunity for philosophers, who will be needed to answer the question, 'Does it demean a pooch to be wrapped in yards of pink toilet paper?'
Ross Clark
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