US ELECTION SPECIAL
SOME YOU WIN, SOME YOU LOSE
The American comedian
Jackie Masan sets the events Jackie Masan sets the events
of last week in context
AS you read this, we Americans may final- ly have a new President-elect. Or we may not. Either way, the whole thing has boiled down to the state of Florida and the votes of about seven elderly Jews who normally only leave their apartments to visit the beauty salon or to have their prostate checked. Never has the population here known such excitement. The average age in Miami Beach, Palm Springs and Fort Lauderdale is pushing 73, and, for them let's be honest — big news is when Milk of Magnesia announces a new chocolate flavour. So a lot of them are now intoxicat- ed with their new-found power. There has even been talk of Florida seceding from the Union and forming its own indepen- dent state, which has got a lot of people very worried. I mean, I'm not saying Flori- da even has the skills to build, say, nuclear weapons, but take a minute and try to name a Protestant physicist.
How has this happened? Well, first you have to understand something about Flori- da. The major state industries down there are tourism, bingo, obtaining senior-citizen discounts and not having automobile insurance. But it is home as well to the largest Cuban population this side of Havana (in fact that's why Cuba had no rowing team at the Sydney Olympics, because any Cuban who can row already lives in Florida). It also has a thriving criminal fraternity, as seen so endearingly in Miami Vice.
You know how you're always hearing weird stories about New York, about crazy things that happen, like the guy the police found standing next to the railway line, naked and holding a human head? And you always shake your head and say, 'Only in New York.' Well, it isn't only in New York. Miami is the same kind of relaxed town, only with more humidity.
A recent poll in the Miami Herald sug- gested that elderly Jews actually voted more than any other people. That happens to be a fact. The problem is, it's usually for Harry Truman. A lot of blame for the pre- sent confusion has been placed on this absent-minded, inattentive, aging popula- tion of Miami Beach, who couldn't work out which box to tick or which name to mark on the ballot paper. But tell the truth, are you inspired by these two char- acters, Bush and Gore? The fact is, this presidential race was so lame that it could have been promoted by Don King. They have no distinguishing features, no huge differences, and, when it comes down to it, the Jews of Miami Beach are a hundred times more impressed with the guy who invented Steradent than they are with the whole of Congress put together.
The Gore camp claim that Florida is naturally and instinctively Democrat. They may well be right. If so, the amazing thing about the Florida count is how relatively badly Gore did, and how close the race turned out to be. Granted, the Democrats had an excellent campaigner in Al Gore, who, as it happens, was capable of sincere- ly holding, sometimes for minutes on end, exactly the same views as whatever group he was standing in front of at that moment (put Gore in front of a group of trees, and given enough time he will engage in photo- synthesis).
So what went wrong? Some say he was tainted by his boss, Bill Clinton. But Gore kept stressing he was running his own cam- paign and being his own man. Others say Gore was dull and wooden. Still others say voters were put off by accusations against the vice-president of illegal fund-raising and influence-peddling. The people may well have resented allegations that he was selling political favours — and, what is really shocking to the Miami Beach voters, at retail prices.
But whatever the reason for his lacklus- tre results, one thing is clear: this race com- pletely failed to inspire what turns out to be the decisive portion of the electorate, a tiny number of Floridian 'swing' voters, or, as they're known to the pollsters, Irving and Hannah Solomon. OK, there's a few more than that, but my point is that for the residents of Florida the politicians were a big turn-off. Take a look at the televised debates. Things started to go wrong when the Republicans and the Democrats argued over whether the presidential debates should start at seven o'clock or nine. The voters in Miami Beach kept asking, 'Who's still awake at nine o'clock?' And, according to the ratings services, the only Florida citi- zen who actually watched the last TV debate was Mrs Sadie Blumenthal, 88, of Palm Springs, who thought she was watch- ing the Home Shopping Network. (She spent 11 hours on the phone trying to buy Tipper Gore's outfit.) And then there were the relentless TV ad campaigns, full of vicious, sick accusa- tions and counter-accusations, something that would never be allowed in Britain. And I happen to think Britain is right. Neg- ative advertising is mean-spirited, intellec- tually dishonest and, most importantly, brutally effective. In fact, some Bush ads were so severe that they had to be taken off the air. And remember, the Republicans had to work hard to overcome the harsh image they projected at the last election, which culminated with Pat Buchanan burn- ing a suspected witch.
For his part, Bush claimed to be a new man. Suddenly he was full of compassion and sensitivity, and concern for global issues. But how can you believe this of a candidate whose approach to the environ- ment, for example, is basically: 'Clean air? Looks clean to me.' In the final presiden- tial debate, I think Bush actually promised to give voters a magic pill that will enable them to live for ever while at the same time never suffering from hair loss.
Whatever happens, the political land- scape has changed for ever. As the Florida district attorney keeps saying, 'We are in uncharted waters'; a well-chosen metaphor given that most of the voters down there are either playing cards or on a cruise. But in the end, the lesson we have learnt is that we get the politicians we deserve. Now that the dust is settling, thank God the Demo- cratic and Republican leaders in both the House and Senate are vowing to set aside the partisan bitterness of the past few weeks and work together to 'grub relent- lessly for money for the next campaign', which starts immediately after New Year's.
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