My Fair Lady

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 398 Report by James Bredin

The usual prize was offered for the best explanation, combining ingenuity with plausibility, of the strange behaviour of the woman from whom I bought a ticket for My Fair Lady recently in New York (Spectator, September 27, p. 392).

INTERPRETATIONS of the incident varied from plot outlines for slightly maudlin short stories to detailed case histories of schizophrenics. Mis- representations of my own behaviour and character included descriptions of my over- indulgence in garlic, my cold, dentist's charm and my finely chiselled English features. A reasonable and satisfactory explanation of the story was not expected, and those who attemp- ted one generally failed. Dan Hazelwood was sure he had got his tickets from the same woman Who, he claims, was a celebrated fan dancer of the Twenties. She explained it to him as being 'quite simple really. An actress, even a fallen idol, must act. And what better way of doing it in a famous theatre than mine? My audience is only one sucker at a time, but who cares? Besides, the money's good.'

B. P. Hatton believed I was mistaken for an international agent and, more successfully, Broom Lynne promoted me (in an FBI file) from a minor foreign agent to a Top-Agent. A good Damon Runyon parody was submitted by D. L. L. Clarke. He disqualified himself by ignoring the word limit but his entry is worth quoting in full:

When I quit the show (which I do not appreciate on account I am thinking about this matter) I am going into Mindy's, and I must be more than somewhat thoughtful, since I even buy Harry the Horse a bourbon, which it is not my habit to do for anybody. What would this old doll, who is certainly no ornery low-down scalper, set up such a squawk for if she is not ,playing me for a sucker? All right, so she is on the level and she comes with a hick party. She aims to eat on Broadway, but her friend who is scared they will lose themselves, or worse, tells her to go right ahead : they will meet twenty minutes before the show. Only this other doll does not show up. So she trades me her ticket. When she quits hollering she takes another look at me. Now anyone can see in less than five minutes that I am not such a one who will help a doll who does not know her way around and this doll reckons I can be a wolf, at that. So she lights out. She does not locate her friend. OK, so she will take the railroad to Hickville. Only after the meal she eats on Broadway she does not have sufficient potatoes, but she can make it with ten bucks more. So

she hocks the second ticket. At this stage I quit worrying if she ever gets to Hickville when I see Harry has finished his bourbon and is shaping to start on mine.

A number of people (Margaret Hall and others) took the woman to be a thief trying to steal my wallet and others explained her be- haviour with more improper (and, I may say, untrue) suggestions about her morals. One distinguished competitor wrote amusingly but libellously about.my own behaviour.

The prize is divided equally among Broom Lynne. Gloria Prince, D. R. Peddy and Nan Wishart for the entries printed below.

PRIZES

(LIRQOM LYNNE)

Extract from FBI files (Foreign Agents-Minor)

'-it was correctly presumed that Suspect 402, Bredin, would attempt attendance (see Report-British Attendance/My Fair Lady), and try for ticket-return at Box Office. Investigator 392 made contact without difficulty and accompanied Bredin to seat. Investi- gator then attempted confidence ruses employing recognition (code) names-"Bank of Nova Scotia," "Governor Room," etc. and sex/code symbols- "Back to Hotel after Show," ,etc. Suspect made no return recognition so Investigator vacated seat on pretext and handed over to Special Investigator 7 who joined Bredin in theatre. Suspect was then engaged in conversation but again resisted all signals with unconcern.

'Special Meeting HQ decided Suspect Bredin was in Top-Agent category and would be removed from Minor grading and placed on Major Dangerous List. Case now transferred to SPO (GB) where Bredin is under constant observation.'

(GLORIA PRINCE)

Our setter has deceived us. His siory is bui a travesty of the truth, a farrago of odious hypocrisy. A long heart-piercing letter in Shocking Breaches (Si, Fridays) has told everything. This unhappy lady, this lonely innocent maiden of fifty-five, was collected by Mr. Bredin at his own convenience-in the Governor Room, where improper liaisons can be properly regulated. Seduced by his ostentatious gold cuff-links and oleaginous leer, she gave herself to him, body and show-ticket (for a consideration), and was utterly flabbergasted when he refused (the swine!) to accompany •her back to their hotel. 'Shurrup an' look at the show,' he hissed, tearing his arm so savagely from her desperate clutches that within five minutes, within five minutes, or erc those queues were cold, she had left him. For ever. Callously he admits it. She had gone. Leaving the leer. But taking the cuff-links.

(D. R. MIDDY)

Anticipating 'My Fair Lady' started off a chain Of thought-associations in the lady's troubled brain, For 'My Fair Lady' meant, of course, the play 'Pygmalion,' And this meant Shaw, Left-wing ideas, and notions alien.

Desire to see the famous show fought with a strange malaise-

A sense that she was treading in the Evil Being's ways (Sir Waldron Smithers once was said the same repulse to feel); She sought out a companion who would share in her ordeal, But losing, in the end, her nerve, outside at last she ran, And sold her other ticket to some unsuspecting man, Reflecting with astuteness that, if challenged, she could say, She'd acted Rice a loyal daughter of the USA; For making such a profit on the tickets that she sold

Showed she had healthy instincts, and a heart of Fort Knox gold.

(NAN WISBART)

In the envelope marked 'Bank of Novia Scotia' there is a week's supply of dope. Miss X has in- structions to pass it to a man at the Box Office who will ask her for her spare ticket, and will give a certain signal (this Mr. Bredin inadvertently gave). The patter is designed to cover the transfer of the dope, the pink paper gives information as to the next supply. Miss X realises she has picked the wrong man, overacts her part slightly, and escapes as soon as it is certain that Mr. Bredin will not follow her past the ten unfortunate seat-holders. She finds her man waiting impatiently at the box office, passes the dope without difficulty, and goes off dis- appointed of her evening's entertainment, but slightly consoled by being ten dollars to the good.