Tall or short story

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 2311 you were invited to supply an account of your experiences as a modern Gulliver who has landed on a modern Lilliput or Brobdingnag.

As a boy I adored Gulliver's Travels and the Alice books and hated those hearty DIY clas sics, Robinson Cnisoe and Swallows and Amazons. So when I set this competition I effortlessly remembered that the size ratio of the Lilliputians and the Brobdingnagians compared to humans was 1:12 or vice versa (I

apologise for using Latin: it has been forbidden in Foreign Office communications).

The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the case of Cobra Premium beer goes to William Danes-Volkov.

I awoke on a beach. A small voice was shouting in my ear. Turning, I was astonished to see a man, perfect in every way but only six inches tall.

'Sleeping on the beach is fbrbidden.'

'I was shipwrecked.'

'You have to go to the reception centre.'

Fie marched off up the beach and I followed. Over the crest of the dunes was a miniature village. But at the far end was a building of human size, made from hundreds of tiny trees laid on top of each other like logs. My guide pointed to it.

'Over there: Surprised, I said, 'You must have felled a forest to build that.'

'We didn't, you aliens have to build your own shelters. We are not going to banloupt our economy to look after stateless giants.'

'Am I not the only one, then?'

'One? There's hundreds of you buggers.'

William Danes-Volkov

The Lilliputians had built a beautiful capital city in the classical style, but among them existed an unusually developed taste for the detailed regulation of all social matters. Addressing me through a loudhailer at the level of my shoelaces, a stout official pronounced that I infringed a number of ordinances concerning permissible height, authorised used of air space, security and occupation of municipal land. Replying that I was simply my natural self, albeit a visitor from a differently proportioned world, I was served with a profusion of documents canine me to account in their courts. With the aid of a lens I discerned that I was in breach of more than three dozen laws. I had come in peace; I had been bound with red tape. So far their maze of legalisms had protected them from bloodshed. No longer. I exercised my judgment and trod on their fair capital.

G.M. Davis The creatures who reared above me — male or female I could not tell — were prodigious. Most had a curved protuberance, like the bill of a duck, extending from the rear of their heads. All carried small engines that squeaked and twittered, which they repeatedly held to their ears as if to relieve pain. As for their language, it was unknown to me and I can only reproduce it phonetically. Walla jarkinelliz laden?' I took to be a greeting, or perhaps a request for me to name my business. However, in endeavouring to explain I must have given unwitting offence, for a massive boot inscribed 'Nike' (is the language perhaps a form of Greek?) hefted mc 20 yards into a mountainous pile of dog's ordure. It was not the only one. I saw, as I freed myself from the stinking mess.

These were not favourable omens.

Basil Ransome-Davies The President's younger daughter, short for her age at 20 metres, made a great favourite of me. She wore curiously fashioned trousers with many pockets attached to the legs, as is the custom among young people there. The pocket by the right knee was reserved for my especial use; it contained a tiny sleeping bag sewn to my dimensions, which made journeys more comfortable. It was also furnished with a lidded chamber pot ingeniously adapted from a toy soldier's combat helmet. She favoured me in many ways, not all of them congenial, sometimes lifting me from her pocket to wetly kiss me, which I tolerated as best I might. She also allowed me rides on her computer mouse, which I greatly enjoyed. Indeed, I became an expert jockey, guiding it to the appropriate points on its mat. and 'clicking', singly or doubly, with sharp taps of the heels, much to her delight.

Gerard Benson Being a national celebrity was intoxicating at first. But Brobdinenag being now an extremely liberal democracy, the press couldn't he restrained, and I was followed everywhere. Six-foot lenses loomed in my windows, and the flashes triggered huge migraines. My life became a misery, and I decided I must leave. But I needed their help, and they seemed determined to keep me. I hatched a plan to turn their liberality to my own ends. I made official complaints about my rights to equal access. I was too small to climb up steps, so ramps must be provided: shop counters and checkouts must be lowered; special viewing platforms must be provided at cinemas and football grounds. Court after court ruled in my favour. The chancellor costed the necessary investments and heralded a deep depression. Pretty soon the tide turned, a boat was built by public subscription, and I had my release. Noel Petty My mistress, pursuant to my purchase, declared me 'totally wicked', which mortified me most particularly, since I have ever sought to live in the plainest and most moral manner. She was of a more diminutive size than those around her (by which I mean that she was no taller than a bell-tower), and I took this to indicate that she was yet a child, although her clothes were garishly similar to the Brobdingnagian songstresses. These she watched in the mornings, upon a screen several miles high. She placed me, with very little reverence indeed, in an aperture she had had carved in her nose, in which I was held fast. She thereafter showed me with great pride to others of her size, and I gathered that they admired mc as 'her new' stud', a nomenclature which caused me especial confusion, having assimilated some of the local dialect.

Bill Greenwell

No. 2314: Waughtime

Evelyn Waugh began one novel with the sentence, 'It was clearly going to be a bad crossing' and ended another with 'And, poor booby, he was bang right.' You are invited to supply a piece of prose (maximum 150 words) beginning and ending in the same way. Entries to 'Competition No. 2314' by 30 October.