YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. In the 21 August edition of your excel- lent magazine an acquaintance of mine, M.M. from Shaftesbury, sought advice on how to deal with a delicate situation that had arisen in our personal relationship fol- lowing his recent success in catching more salmon than me on the River Spey in Scot- land. I wonder if you could advise me on how to deal tactfully with what I perceive to be a far more difficult situation arising from this. As is plain to see in the record book, in the last five years that we have fished together I have caught precisely dou- ble the number of salmon that he has. Yet he claims that he has caught more than me. How would you explain this curious form of self-delusion and how do you suggest that I approach the subject with him? He has taken to looking smug and referring fre- quently to my 'other qualities', as he puts it. Should 1 allow him the satisfaction he clearly gets from his affliction, or should I confront him with the truth and face the consequences this might have for our rela- tionship? I have many less aggressive and self-deluded, fishing friends begging to join annual party, so perhaps I should just ditch him in favour of one of them? Advice, Please.
P.D-P.,Tisbuty, Wilts 4. There is no need to ditch the self- deluded old friend. Instead, force him out
Dear Mary. .
of his fantasy in the following manner. Have a Sloane Ranger-style collage made of photographic fishing highlights of your last five years on the Spey, tastefully mounted alongside replicas of the relevant pages from the record book reduced in size on a photocopying machine. Hang this in your kitchen in traditional Sloane Ranger manner. Invite guests round for a `kitchen supper,' including among the invi- tees your competitor and another friend who has been primed to draw attention to the collage. As he admires it he can force M.M. to face the truth by saying, 'Could you read those records out to me? The writing's so small and I haven't got my glasses.'
Q. I'm often asked, 'What do you do?' Never having really done anything, I'm usu- ally at a loss to think of an appropriate reply. Should one be pathetically humour- less and say 'piss-artist'? Or bluff and say `brain surgeon'? 'Man of letters with pri- vate means' sounds somewhat over the top in this puritan age, but is perhaps the most apt. Help, Mary!
A.W, London, SW7 A. Why not cock a snook at the puritan age and simply answer, 'I toil not, neither do I spin.' Alternatively take a tip from the late Jerry Zipkin, superwalker to some of America's leading female socialites. When asked by an English duchess who sat next to him at dinner 'What do you do?' he replied, in tones implying activities so rar- efied as to defy classification, 'I do what I can.'
Q. Recently when visiting my new girl- friend's parents for the weekend, her mil- lionaire father took me up in his helicopter, pausing before we set off to ask me whether I had ever been in a helicopter before. I was stumped for an appropriate answer to this subtle put-down. What should I have said, Mary?
P.D., London, SW3 A. You could have smiled pleasantly and replied, 'Never one as small as this.'
Mary Killen
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