Mug's game
Petronella Wyatt
Iwas watching Guys and Dolls the other night, with a young Marlon Brand° as Sky Masterson, the world's most successful gambler. Masterson/Brando says something like this to fellow gambler Nathan Detroit, played by Frank Sinatra.
'Nathan, my daddy once gave me a good piece of advice. He said, "Son, one day a man is going to come along with a new deck of cards on which the seal isn't even broken. This guy is going to bet you that he can make the Jack of Hearts jump out of the pack and squirt cider in your ear. But, son, do not take this bet. For as sure as you live, you will end up with cider in your ear.' ' Daddy. I have cider in my ear. Gambling comes in many forms. I don't bet on the horses, or cards, or dice. But I have been playing the online equivalent: eBay. As I mentioned recently, eBay is an Internet auction house. As I also mentioned recently, it is fraught with sucker-traps. Will the guy take your money and scarper to Ibiza? Will the goods ever appear? What will they look like if they do?
The first time I played eBay I got lucky. I bid for and 'won' a ring, which arrived safe and sound and looked identical to the photographs on my computer. There, I should have left it. But the first-time gambler who wins falls prey to an unfortunate compulsion to try again. A few days later I bid a sum I would rather not disclose for a handbag. It looked pretty large in the pictures, but when it arrived its dimensions were those of a cigarette packet. Instead of giving up, I determined, in future, to ask the seller for measurements.
So I bid for another handbag, a large one. In order to pay for these goods, one generally uses something called Paypal. This debits the amount from your bank account. [was promised my handbag within four to seven days. I waited. Nothing arrived. Then I received an email from the seller. The seller's name was Murat. He appeared to live in Wales. His email read thus: 'Dear Friends, Unfortunetly [sic] my ebay and paypal account were closed because my ebay and paypal accounts were used by the other [sic]. Were thieved by someone but my accounts will be online in 7 working days. . . I have not keep [sic] all emails in my inbox I used to think that I have records. It ended, 'Thanks for your coopertaions.' Pass the sic bag. Needless to say, I emailed Mr Murat in a blind panic. Needless to say, he has not replied.
At the same time — yes, have mercy — I had bid for another bag as a birthday present for a relative. Unfortunately, I failed to read the small print. There is always small print, tucked at the bottom of the page after some cunning double spacing. And it is so small it could have been written for mice.
The small print tells you where the item is located and how to pay if the seller refuses to accept Paypal. During my subsequent researches I have discovered that the item can be located anywhere from Outer Mongolia to Alaska, Specified payment methods include payment by Western Union (which charges a whopping commission), payment by postal order, payment by horse or camel, or payment by Air India business class. To make things even more difficult, sometimes a currency is specified, too. Like a soft currency' used in some African dictatorships. Anyway, this other bag was located in the Midwest of the United States. I emailed the seller and said I didn't want it after all. I got an email back, which read like something out of The Godfather. You know, it's not personal. It's just business. I am now wondering whether to hire bodyguards. I can't sleep for facing my bank manager. My life is wrecked. It won't be long before they drag my weighted body out of the Thames.
So, before I go, I will leave you with some final words. One day someone is going to come along and bet you that you can buy a real cut-price Chanel handbag on eBay and that it will arrive within ten days. That bet. I urge you to take. For as sure as you live, the other person will end up cleaning cider from their ears. Like me.
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