Hobbies revived
AUBERON WAUGH
The Black Art Rollo Ahmed (Jarrolds 32s 6d) Bertrand de Jouvenel, whose hobby it is to pre- dict the future by rational means—avoiding, as much as possible, such old-fashioned imple- ments as the crystal ball, tea leaves and sheep's entrails—has produced many gloomy conclu- sions, but the gloomiest of all concerns the amount of leisure we shall all enjoy before we are much older. When the twenty-hour work- ing week begins to give way to the ten-hour, the people will be left, as things stand, with very little to do. Clearly, we shall all tire of breeding sealyhams and selling Tupperware to each other before long; even ten-pin bowling must lose some of its thrills if it is performed twenty hours a week. Hobbies are the great growth industry of the future, and anyone who can anticipate a fashion is quids in. All the signs point to a revival of interest in mysticism and any other type of obscurantist mumbo- jumbo. Can witchcraft be far behind?
Whether it comes or not, Dr Gardner has missed his reward on earth. After a lifetime of patient study and practice, he has now passed over to the other side—what he describes as the realm of refreshment before rebirth. He has left us this book, which, in market terms, must be regarded as a monument of 'soft sell.' Witches are perfectly ordinary people, he says, who just want to be left in peace. Satisfaction
in this hobby comes from the ecstasy induced by nude dancing. It is necessary to be nude
not for any lascivious reasons but because the body releases this highly useful electro-magnetic field, which clothes tend to contain. He brings an open, scientific mind to this inquiry:
should think that slips or bikinis could be worn without unduly causing loss of power. It would be interesting to try the effect of one team in the traditional nude and one in bikinis.'
He is most particularly anxious to rebut some old fallacies. For instance, witches never rode to meetings on broomsticks, although they used to carry poles or quarterstaffs. 'In the per- secution times, at least, they would put them between their legs and ride on them when approaching the meeting place.' But they never flew, and 'nowadays, like ordinary people, they walk, or take a bus or whatever is most con- venient.'
Although blood sacrifice may assist materiali- sation, it is a wicked slander that witches fre- quently sacrifice infants, says Dr Gardner.
These lies were invented by the Church to obtain baptism fees (in point of fact there are
no baptism fees—at any rate in the Church of England or the Roman Catholic Church. But he also says that nine million people were executed during the persecution of witches—a sizeable part of the population of Europe in those days). Witches have never been accorded their full credit. For instance, how many of us knew that it was the witches of England who by their spells prevented Hitler landing? Yet
not so much as an MBE in the Honours Lists.
Witches never celebrate the Black Mass, he says. If this occurs at all today, it is merely as a show put on by some priests and nuns in Rome for a tourist attraction. 'Witches do not kiss the Devil's posterior, first because they never kiss anyone's posterior, second because the Devil is never there for anyone to kiss.' In fact, witches are perfectly ordinary people who just fancy the occasional dance.
Mr Rollo Ahmed gives quite another pic- ture. The Devil almost invariably appears in some form or another—if only as the materiali- sation of various elementals—and his posterior is kissed by everyone most punctiliously. Human sacrifice was and is commonplace, ac- counting•for many unexplained disappearances from our midst. The Black Mass is the chief feature of the witches' sabbaths. With many dire warnings he gives the ritual in full, so that it should not be beyond the capabilities of a fairly adventurous housewife to equip her television lounge as a do-it-yourself satanic temple and invite the neighbours in. 'Again, it is never difficult to obtain children for this purpose in the impoverished underworld of Eastern Europe. . .
On a more serious note, he says that there are organisations and societies whose purpose is to pervert the morals of anyone within reach: some are merely an extension of organised vice, relying upon blackmail; others consist of people—mad, bad and generally anti- social—who, for reasons best known to them- selves, have chosen evil as their hobby. Mr Ahmed is a specialist in the 'hard-sell': 'Once membership of a society of this kind is under- taken, it is a very hard matter to get out of the clutches of such people and their cult. . . . Melancholia, loss of vitality, suicide and posi- tive insanity are some of the consequences of having dabbled in the black art.'
Quite unlike Dr Gardner's account. Well, you pays your money and you takes your choice. Ecstasy through sensitive dancing arrangements with Dr Gardner, or melancholia, loss of vitality and the rest through kissing the Devil's posterior. Ahmed costs seven and six- pence more, but I think he is the better buy.
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