COMPETITION

Homophonics

Jaspistos

IN Competition No. 1502 you were asked for a poem in which the rhyme- words were homophones. David Heaton pleased me with the story of the foreigner who arrived in London confident he'd mastered the intricacies of English pronunciation, but on seeing a theatrical placard: CAVALCADE - PRO- NOUNCED SUCCESS - took the next flight home.

Curmudgeonly, even Scrooge-like though I may appear in print, I wish you all a heartfelt happy Christmas. Donning a benevolent white beard this week, I award seven prizes of £12 to the winners below, and a congratulatory handshake to Joyce Johnson, Paul Griffin, John Turtle, Jocelyn Guilfoyle, Edward Rose, Jonathan King, Simon Townley and Mortimer Spreader. The bottle of Champagne Pal- mer Vintage 1979, presented by Marie- Pierre Palmer-Becret, goes to Gerard Benson for being such a clever-boots.

Since reading Empson I have known no peace: And now I languish by the River Severn Composing a brief poem in my mind; My store of ambiguity I've mined, Delving to find examples of all seven, All Seven Types, to go into one piece.

Can you imagine it? A tiny ode Featuring double-sense of every sort, Which all the universities would use!

Thus have I wandered by these ewes and yews Making this verse, and by these means have sought From Academe the deference I'm owed.

(Gerard Benson)

I shut the door and turned the key, And rode fast through the darkening wood. Soon I was on the harbour quay I had to stop him, and I would!

Though nearly night, I still could see The restless waves, so palely blue, Of my beloved salty sea; But now the wind turned cold and blew.

I just made out a vanishing sail.

I shouted, but my voice was hoarse; I screamed, 'My boat is not for sale!'

But then, defeated, turned my horse.

(Sylvia Shaw) The average Christian lifts his wondering gaze: The Church of England's overrun with gays! And what with ordained dolls as well as guys Those vestments may be nothing but disguise. But words of comfort from today's First Lesson Decree that with no punishments sins lessen, And it can hardly come as a surprise To see the judge abolished with the prize. Where goats as well as sheep may safely graze You'll find no blacks and whites, just greys and greys. (Bob Ingham) I once was a maid, though I cannot tell when; I've so often been made since I came to the Wen.

Since I came to the Court I've been frequently chased And as frequently caught. Oh, 'tis hard to be chaste!

When I put in my mite for some holy saint's candle I pray that I might be preserved from all scandal, For I know what is right and my ways I will alter When it's time for the rite that takes place at the altar.

(John Stanley) How sick I am of being whirled About this crank and crazy world! Enough's enough, I think that I'll Retreat to some uncharted isle, Abandon all that's crass and vain And there in true Selkirkian vein Seek self-sufficiency, and brood About the poison man has brewed, Read, sleep, and swim, acquire a piece Of God's estate, exist in peace.

When am I going to put to sea?

No sponsors yet — we'll have to see. (Philip A. Nicholson) My poem went before the Board; It was unanimously barred.

They said that all of them were bored - I was a most pedestrian bard.

But let them frown or let them fête,

I am the master of my fate.

I am the captain of my soul

(I think I put that rather well):

What matter if I be my sole

Appreciator? Let Truth's well Be mine to empty at a draught .

All right — I'll send a second draft.

(Mary Holtby)

When in my youth I joined a choir

The master bet a termer That when my voice changed I'd acquire That of a counter-tenor.

I dreaded that he might be right; My cowardice was base, But now I'm very glad to write That I'm a common bass.

A concert party on a pier Employs my vocal muscles, Where crowds of happy folk appear With jellied eels and mussels. (0. Smith)