SPECTATOR CHRISTMAS QUIZ Set by Christopher Howse

You said it This year, which: 1. Politician said: 'Come on, Michael. Out with your club. On with your loincloth. Swing into action!'

2. Pensioner said:

'I don't think I have done anything wrong in taping Di's conversation.'

3. Chess-player said: 'Anti-Semitism is the wrong term . . . my understanding is that some Semites are Arabs, and I am definitely not anti-Arab.'

4. Minister said: 'I have yet to have it demonstrated by you or anyone else what judgment was wrong during the week leading up to Black Wednesday.'

5. Peeress said: `It was not the collapse of British Govern- ment policy, but the policy itself that was the problem.'

6. Novelist said: 'I had 49 proposals before I got married.'

7. Murderer said: `Someone has to be insane. We can't all be the good guys.'

8. Director said: `I didn't feel that just because she was Mia's daughter there was any great moral dilem- ma.'

9. Runner said:

'I will not stop grinning for the rest of my life.'

10. Tennis-player said: 'It's just not worth the pain any more.'

Funny old world This year: 1. Whose army introduced salt bullets as an anti-riot measure?

2. Who was given three tons of coal, worth £150, with the greetings, 'Up Yours'? 3. Who shared £20,000 with Michael Ondaatje?

4. Who used the words `Britain' or 'British' 52 times in a conference speech?

5. Which dramatically unsuccessful Hotel closed its doors in October after opening in July?

6. Which shrapnel victim did Kate replace in Sarajevo?

7. Which radio station advertised its new service with posters proclaiming 'Symphony in Morris Minor'?

8. To what did the International Ornitho- logical Congress propose changing the name of the grouse?

9. Mr John Edwards was left £10.9 million. By whom?

10. Which horses escaped a palace fire?

Water ...

1. Who

a fortnight dead, Forgot the cry of gulls, and the deep sea swell And the profit and loss.

3.Who so dreamt

The silly buckets on the deck, That had so long remained, I dreamt that they were filled with dew; And when I awoke, it rained.

4. How long did Noah find that the `waters prevailed upon the earth"?

5. Phlegethon and Cocytus flow into which river?

... Babies I. Who 'caught the baby with some difficul- ty, as it was a queer-shaped little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all direc- tions "like a starfish" '?

2. Who just growed?

3. Who was rumoured to have been smug- gled into his mother's bed in a warming- pan on 10 June 1688?

4. Whose birth was attended by Dr Slop?

5. What were the names of the midwives who would not kill Moses?

Desert Island Desert

Who attracted fame with these eight awful discs: 2. Who said to his wife when he sat down to dine,

I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't get into the wine.

1. Puppy Love 2. England Swings 3. Robert De Niro's Waiting 4. Clair 5. Little White Bull 6. Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah) 7. I've Gotta Get A Message To You 8. Wishing Well History lesson

I. Who was voted a grant of £10,000 by Par- liament on 2 June 1802 for his work on cow-pock inoculation?

2. The OP riot, against the increase in tick- et-prices, on 18 September 1809, made a performance of Macbeth inaudible. At which theatre did it take place?

3. In 1634 Sir Francis Duncomb obtained the sole privilege to use, let and hire a num- ber of covered modes of transport. What were they?

4. He died at Walmer castle on 14 Septem- ber 1852; his body was removed to Chelsea Hospital on 10 November; on 17 November it was taken to Horse Guards, and the next day one-and-a-half million saw his coffin taken to St Paul's. Who was he?

5. He was shot on board the Monarch at Spithead on 14 March 1757 and his tomb inscription began: 'To the perpetual dis- grace of public justice ...' Who was he?

6. Which horse, never beaten, died in February 1789, aged 25, his heart being then found to weigh 141b?

7. What power of locomotion drove a new railway, demonstrated on 30 June 1840 between Shepherd's Bush and Wormwood Scrubs? 8. Who fell a victim to the sudden resent- ment of Sandwich Islanders on St Valen- tine's Day, 1779?

9. What made daylight shine more freely into the houses of England on 24 July 1851?

10. Who announced that she was the woman spoken of in the Book of Revela- tion, and died on 27 December 1814?

Plain English Match the word to its definition: 1. Futtock 2. Gum-gum 3. Assapanick 4. Crotalum 5. Lurg 6. Pongo 7. Tamanoir 8. Wiwi 9. Strom 10. Nucha a. A filter used in brewing b. An ape c. A castanet used in religious dances d. The nape of the neck e. New Zealand thatching rush f. The great ant-eater g. One of the timbers of a ship's frame h. An iron bowl struck with a stick i. A worm used for bait j. A flying squirrel Music hath charms 1. On which musicians were the following judgments passed: a. The Mozart of the Champs-Elysées b. A tub of pork and beer c. Too much beer and beard d. Such an astounding lack of talent was never before united to such pretentiousness e. A smasher of pianos 2. Which 17th-century concert impresario was known as the Musical Small Coal Man?

3. Which 18th-century Scottish wig-maker wrote the musical comedy The Gentle Shep- herd, revived in 1950?

4. What was the common surname of the following?

a. Felicien Cesar, who was born in 1810 and travelled in the Middle East, taking his piano with him; Ferdinand who was born in the same year and advised Mendelssohn in the composition of his Violin Concerto.

b. Marc Antoine who was born in 1634 and was associated with Moliere; Gustave who was born in Dieuze in 1860 and wrote the noisy Impressions of Italy and the opera Louise.

5. Who was the Leicestershire squire that compiled the libretto of Handel's Messiah?

Priestcraft Who, where wrote the following:

1. When want of learning kept the layman low And none but priests were authorised to know When what small knowledge was, in them did dwell; And he a god, who could but read and spell.

2. The snowy-banded dilettante, Delicate-handed priest intone.

3. I tell thee, churlish priest, A minist'ring angel shall my sister be When thou liest howling.

4. But first among the priests dissension springs! Men who attend the altar, and should most Endeavour peace.

5. So the priests hated him, and he Repaid their hate with cheerful glee.

Sport Frank Keating asks: 1. It was the year of the Double Whammy - but who did the Double Slammy?

2. Who, what or where is Riddick Bowe?

3. When Essex Man was tops, where did that leave the debutants of Durham?

4. Who won five Olympic gold medals for Britain in two boats?

5. Sydney's Tiger died in November. Who he?

6. Who won the 1992 men's singles title at Wimbledon?

7. Which two spent the early winter on a 33-town tour of English theatres, starring in The King and!?

8. Who scored his record 52nd try in his 72nd rugby international in November?

9. Which city hosts the 1996 summer Olympics?

10. Name the three 'Italians' who played In Short What do these abbreviations stand for?

1. IPA (at least two) 2. GOM 3. DOM 4. ROM 5. LSD (two) 6. STD 7. TGV 8. HGV 9. HIV 10. IVF

Whodunnit ;lean Elliott asks:

1. In what stories is the detection carried out by: a. Aristotle b. Samuel Johnson c. Edgar Allan Poe d. Robert Browning e. George Meredith

2. Who wrote these short stories: a. The Blue Carbuncle b. The Blue Cross c. The Blue Geranium d. The Blue Scarab e. The Blue Sequin 3. On what real-life cases are the following books based:

a. A Pin to See the Peepshow by F. Ten- nyson Jesse b. The Franchise Affair by Josephine Tey c. The Telephone Call by John Rhode d. The Lodger by Mrs Belloc Lowndes e. Compulsion by Meyer Levin

Answers: page 100 for England at soccer in 1992.