PURE MALT

COMPETITION

Diary of a Nobody

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1817 you were invited to provide entries for three days of a week in the diary of a contemporary Mr Pooter.

Some of you simply transported Mr Pooter in time, leaving his po-faced mode of expression almost intact, others updated his vocabulary but preserved his essential Pooterishness. I accepted either device. No doubt reflecting the boisterousness of mod- ern `yoof , Lupin usually overshadowed Carrie, and there was scarcely a word to be heard from Cummings or Gowing. A typical Lupin passage ran: 'Lupin and Des Mutlar in again. Lupin says they've de- cided to come out. "Better than being in all the time," I reply. They just groan and shake their heads.'

The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Drummond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky goes to Philip Dacre.

Feb. 4. Called for Carrie's supply' of Lo-cal. `Better spend it on Lo-cal than at the local,' I joked. Found the large 'chemist's' a treasure- house of sophisticated commodities. Plunged and bought a colourful portrait of a bewitching Spanish lady, which will delight Carrie and may disguise the slight mistake I made when paper- ing the chimney-breast.

Feb 5. Wonderful news! Lupin is to study Human Communications with Sociology at a

new split-site College conveniently straddling the M62. He mumbled something incompre- hensible about obtaining two E's. 'E for excel- lent?' I guessed — correctly, judging by his sheepish grin. Trust this will spur him to revise conscientiously.

Feb. 6. Gowing called to solicit a £500 stake in his scheme to buy up the stock of a failed business that made battery-operated teabag- squeezers. He says they will go like mad as novelties, bingo prizes etc. Must give it serious thought. Another shubunkin dead.

(Philip Dacre)

July 6. We returned from holiday hardly able to walk. Wrote to the tour operator about the mugging, also enclosing list of items stolen from us while at the Pension Plaisir. Telephoned doctor but answering machine said closed for World Fitness Day. July 8. Carrie took a cake to Lupin and his

young lady. They want to be called the Brick- field Terrace Two and say they will soon be cleared of the drugs charge.

July 13. A 'feminist' is trying to persuade Carrie to call herself my 'partner'. We had words about this because my excellent employer, Mr Per- kupp, might think I was going into business on the sly. Then I made one of my best jokes, saying, `Think of our Prime Minister's wife. She calls him her husband and they are always smiling, so there cannot be any "major" prob- lems.' How we roared!

(Michael Birt)

Wednesday. Watched Mr Major on the telly. A nice sort of chap; one of life's patters of dogs, smilers at old ladies and supporters of the RNLI. Why are people horrid about him? Must they drag politics into everything?

Thursday: Is it better to walk to the Camden bus-stop rather than the one at Belsize Park?

Savings, 50p a week x 48 = £24 Extra shoe repairs £30 Shortfall £6 21/2p p.d. is not too high a price to pay for fitness. But would I feel hungry? 21/2p would hardly provide a thinly buttered slice of bread. Is cobbling difficult, I wonder?

Friday. Are we Capricorns Nature's managers? I'm basically analytical and drawn to games like

Monopoly. And Tamsin thought me masterful when I told Wayne to get shredded after he spilled coffee on my C&A flares. Can my inner tiger he emerging at long last? Perhaps I should reconsider that tapas-bar franchise in Milton Keynes after all.

(Connie Yapp)

April 20. Celebrated my birthday with a grand little party. Unfortunately, the occasion was spoiled by the arrival of a stripper-gram girl. Most embarrassing! Lupin wore a black suit and dark glasses. He said it was all because of reservoir dogs. I didn't understand. Mr Still- brook sang a comic song about Edwina Currie which was in very poor taste. Afterwards, Lupin gave Gowing one of his special cigarettes, which made him quite giggly. I said he looked as if he didn't know whether he was Cummings or Gowing, but no one laughed.

May 10. Have taken up jogging. Lupin positive- ly refuses to accompany me because I wear a baseball cap. The neighbours' rottweiler tore a piece out of my shell-suit yesterday.

June 1. Lupin is now wearing ear-rings. Quite ridiculous. He told me a story about holding a Policeman's Ball. I said I didn't see how you could hold a Ball for just one policeman.

(Watson Weeks)

Saturday. I offered to take Carrie shopping, as she seemd a trifle depressed. At Eezee-do-it we found a remarkable dining suite, which I look forward to assembling.

Sunday. I wonder if Carrie's medication is really helpful? She was most disagreeable about the Lada on the way to visit Lupin. He too was low-spirited, complaining about duties in the vegetable plot. I told him that time spent outdoors was healthy, and suggested that if he had been doing outsider dealing he might not be inside today! Carrie was upset by my joke and took another tablet. At home I read the dining suite instructions over a Pot Noodle and de- veloped a headache.

Monday. If I discover who swapped my desktop computer's 'Fish' screensaver for a naked lady I will have very sharp words indeed. After work I tried to return the furniture to Eezee-do-it, but could not start the Lada.