YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. I recently invited a friend, who happens to be an ex-girlfriend of mine, for dinner. We met at my house for an aperitif and, Prior to setting off on the short walk to our restaurant of choice, my friend commented on the inclement weather, so I draped a rather unique pashmina scarf, which I had recently bought in India for my current girl- friend, over her shoulders, meaning it to be atemporary loan for the evening. My friend then went into such paroxysms of gratitude for such a wonderful gift that I was too embarrassed to explain my inten- tions to her. The then current girlfriend is now an ex. I am keen to know how I could have avoided this unfortunate outcome.
M.D.H., Chelsea, London A. Of course you should have prefaced your draping by saying, 'Why don't you borrow this?' Once having blundered, however, your best bet would have been to appear to mis- understand the paroxysms. 'Oh, ho, ho, ho! Pon't tease me!' you could have responded. Ill be in serious trouble with my girlfriend if I let you keep her pashmina.'
Q. Within the last three or four years, I have noticed an increasing tendency among some of our friends to arrive with a bottle of wine when they come to a meal. I find this embar- rassing and quite inappropriate. Should I say, Thank you' and put it away in my cellar to drink another day, which is, in fact, what I do? It seems quite inappropriate to burden the rest of our guests with a wine which bears no relation to the one which I am serving.
M.C., London SW3 A. After a certain age Englishmen do not expect a host to actually serve the wine they have brought to a dinner party. They bring it either as a warm-hearted present for you to drink privately at a later date or because they have a subliminal suspicion that they may not get round to asking you back. In this case they see the wine as a student-style financial contribution in kind which, once again, you can consume at a later date. Meanwhile, old-fashioned grandees usually arrive empty-handed, secure in their lofty anticipation that, when you come to them, they will more than repay your largesse.
Q. I will be taking the art critic Brian Sewell out to dinner the week after next. The last time I took this man to a fashion- able restaurant his presence caused a con- siderable buzz and many of those present started behaving weirdly, one of them actu- ally asking the head waiter if he could move to a vacant table beside ours. I am sick with worry that there will be further complica- tions of this sort when Brian and I next dine together. How can I prevent the occa- sion from being ruined in the same way?
IP., London N6 A. Pick up the art critic from his home. Bring with you a loose-fitting rabbit costume com- plete with special aperture for the mouth and ask him if he would be kind enough to don this so as to prevent unwelcome attention at the restaurant you intend to visit.
Q. I have accepted an invitation to join some friends for a skiing holiday in Zer- matt. I have discovered that there will be only one lavatory to serve the eight people who will be staying in the chalet. Is there any special dietary solution to this problem, or can you advise me what would be the correct emergency receptacle to carry?
A.Q., London SWI A. Arrange to use the gymnastic or swim- ming facilities at a nearby hotel. Make your visits there to coincide with likely moments of peristalsis.
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