COMPETITION

Don't!'?

J aspistos

IN Competition No. 1514 you were invited to write a poem offering advice to a person about to marry.

More people do than don't, and yet the advice was mostly negative. One remem- bers Rasselas's sardonic description of the young lovers who 'find themselves uneasy when they are apart, and therefore con- clude that they shall be happy together'.

The winners below get £15 each, congra- tulations only go to Keith Norman, Jermyn Thynne, Frank McDonald, Philip A. Nicholson and David Heaton, and the bonus bottle of White Horse Whisky, presented by United Distillers Group, is 0. Smith's.

If you can stand upheavals without question, And, seeing faults, not breathe a word of blame, If you can run the risk of indigestion Yet compliment the cooking just the same, If you can face an afternoon of shopping Instead of watching soccer on your own And not ignore the hints that someone's dropping About the hedge uncut and lawn unmown . . .

If you can bear to have your daily paper Dismembered for another's eyes to share, If you can see your razor as a scraper To rid somebody's calves of surplus hair, If you can keep your bed when all the bedding Is filched from you to make another snug, Well, then, young man, go on and fix the wedding, But, what is sure, my son, you'll be a mug.

(0. Smith) Marriage is like a meal, With first of all the soup Foretaste of what you're going to feel. Next stage when, cock-a-hoop, You pounce upon your prey, Is known as the entrée.

The main course lasts for years; You'll find there's quite enough, But it's important that each perseveres Through tender, and through tough; For after, as a treat, You'll much enjoy the sweet.

And following this spread There's coffee, peace, and kind things said Before you go to bed. (Paul Griffin) My only advice -

Don't take any, at any price;

Especially from a rancid old fuddy-duddy Like me. In these waters, you're on your own, buddy.

Yes, I know, she looks an absolute dish — just like Lillian Gish Only prettier, but this iridescent angelfish, Come manna, May prove a piranha . . .

No one knows whether the married are having a good time Except the actual partners in the crime.

The couple we all thought the perfect gel Turned out to be spending 29 years in hell; While another, whose verbal infighting was egregiously gory, Were, beneath all the spitting and spatting, really quite hunky-dory.

In short, every marriage's true tenor is - As yours will be — sui generic. (Martin Fagg) The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to see The Turkey who lives on the hill; They brought him some mince and slices of quince As a gesture of goodwill.

But the Reverend Fowl said to Puss, re the Owl, `Though you've certainly come this far, A marriage, my honey, means much more than money And songs to a small guitar.

I accept your intention — and ring like invention (Which wasn't the Piggy's to sell) - And it's true that the fiver will cover the driver, The flowers and the organ as well - But you're living afloat? In a pea-green boat? And a year and a day — it's too soon! But then again since I'm a sucker for quince I'll do it. Now, hand me that spoon!' (A. D. Gibbons) Advice, my dear? It all comes down to this, For perfect wedded — or unwedded — bliss: If both of you pay tax at standard rate Then marriage pays, unless the aggregate Of both your incomes, calculated net Of all allowances and mortgage debt, Would put you jointly in a higher bracket, In which case it could cost you quite a packet.

A mortgage over thirty thousand pounds

Would also constitute substantial grounds For staying single; and it all depends On your investment funds and dividends. I think it might be easier to judge it After we've seen what happens in the budget, So don't be too impetuous, my dear: I'd wait at least till next financial year. Love, did you say? I don't wish to disparage, But are you quite mature enough for marriage? (Noel Petty)