Choosing a man
Sir: How typical and boring it all is to see us female humans once again being analysed, dissected and specifically categorised with the view of our being worthy of having "the durability to last out the next thirty or forty years " in a marital state alongside the male of the species (John Rowan Wilson on ' Choosing a wife,' May 5).
Why not take out all our brain matter at birth and be done with it; surely you males have thought of that one before now, though to be discussed under the heading ' Medicine' by John Rowan Wilson does lead one to believe that experiments to this end are perhaps taking place at this very moment! However I am most grateful to the staff at The Spectator offices for entitling us to this particular heading and not ' Farming News.' (1 would suggest Mr Rowan Wilson plump for an Aberdeen Angus and not a graceful Jersey.) At least our man is prepared to guarantee genuine results from " a little technical knowledge added to careful observation." I am so glad we make easy subjects for your research purposes. Alas, you males are far more mysterious: the only exposed areas being the head and hands, you make our job as scrutineers far more lengthy and odious. We would literally have to perform the sex act on a number of carefully-planned occasions for us to be able to establish a true picture of your physical health for your advances tend to be in a fully-clothed state with the added courage of a high alcoholic blood content. Even then we would much rather you keep your socks on as the smell does not waft in your favour and tends to distract, and a covered paunch looks far more gentlemanly and presentable, though ' gentlemen' court ' ladies' and wouldn't be found in such a situation, would they?
It really is rather a shame that hoods are not as easily available as socks for your bulbous, red noses do nothing to hide your addiction to alcohol; neither do your bloodshot eyes, nor your' high '-smelling mouths. And your baldheads: oh but baldness, of course, is a sign of mental fatigue (or is it your grandfather's fault), worrying about the size of your car, your sexual potency, your success in deceiving everyone you talk to, whether or not your football team is doing well, your 'running in the field,' your efforts to appear affluent, and last but not least, whether your baldness is a permanent state or just a temporary sign of overwork. But girls please ensure you peer into the ears — there is no telling when he last remembered to wash all, as well as his face and hands — and besides in society today you will find a clean alcoholic is far more acceptable, even the rest of the male herd will prefer him!
Surely, in terms of worth and time well spent (unless you are prepared to secure your catch at an early age, preferably mit diaper before the effects of father, brother, chums, headmaster and priest begin the moulding process) it is far more fulfilling and fruitful for us females to channel our faculties and energies into more superior lifetime studies like ornithology, philately, piscicultural or, if we vow never to treat ulcer-ridden males, even medicine. So beware Mr Rowan Wilson we are about to burn your stethoscope and what a loss that would be!
Maureen Cooling 73 Glebe Crescent, Broomfield, Chelmsford, Essex,
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