DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY Am in severe shock. Just put the phone down from the Labour press office. Someone called ‘Bev’ rang to say she had found 15 inaccuracies in stories we briefed to the papers this weekend, including five major ‘porkers’ about Gordon’s economic record.
She was v loud and bossy and went on and on about how gloves had come off and they weren’t going to take this &@*£ from us lying down any more. She asked me what I intended to do about it and when I said nothing she demanded I fetch my ‘supervisor’. I said I didn’t have a supervisor. She said ‘what a f@****@ shower’ and told me to ‘brace myself’ for a call from someone called Roger. In the meantime, I’m not to release any more ‘barefaced Tory lies’ if I don’t want to feel a great ‘clunking fist’. Well!
We’re struggling a bit with this eco-town lark. Nigel says that if Brown’s building towns, we should build cities! This is clever because all the old ones are never going to vote for us so we may as well start from scratch.
TUESDAY Smoothies all round courtesy of Mr Maude, who has finally been proved right by opinion polls showing Tory lead slipping. You’ve got to feel a bit pleased for him considering how long he’s been waiting.
No word from Roger. Bet he doesn’t exist. Don’t care anyway, am too busy. Have decided to take the bull by the horns and create a Facebook profile. Poppy says I’m not going to get any further in the competitive world of Compassionate Tory Flirting without one. I have three friends so far (Poppy has 500 of course; Wonky Tom has 753). No one has ‘poked’ me yet, but I’m hopeful that it is only a matter of time.
Rashid, our new Director of Comms — or ‘Richard’ as Dave calls him — is on there so I might ‘poke’ him later. (Must check office policy on in-house poking.) He is v cool. He talked to me the other day. He was strolling along my spoke and said, ‘hey dude, what’s up?’ and told me about hanging with some brothers, and digging things. I can’t really understand him but Poppy says he is trying to ask me out. Says I should definitely ‘poke’ him, or at the very least post on his wall. I’m sure she’s right.
WEDNESDAY Uh-oh. Labour ‘Bev’ on the phone again. Something about a mistake in an Iraq briefing document. It’s not my fault. Mr Hague is churning out statements on foreign policy like there’s no tomorrow. Jed says it won’t do him any good, he’s being promoted to party chairman and that’s all there is to it.
Was going to tell her she was an extremely rude woman who’d obviously been dragged up with no respect for telephone etiquette. But she slammed the phone down before I could get a word in. Is this Brown’s Britain?!
THURSDAY Barely time to slurp my skinny mocha this morning before an email from Bev arrived detailing the ‘inaccuracies’ in my briefing documents of the past week. At the end there was a very odd and sinister little line. It said: ‘Next time, think again before you horse around with the facts.’ Went cold and rang mummy to check Sesame was ok — happily she was chewing on a gatepost in the small paddock. But my mind is now wild with horrors.
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