YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q: Earlier this year I sublet my flat to a friend — who moved in with his girlfriend while he wrote a film script. Now that they have relinquished their tenure (and split up) I find that certain items of my clothing are missing. They have obviously been nicked by 'Anna', as she is my size, though, of course, it might have been a mis- take. I didn't like the look of her. Among the things I cannot find are three pairs of trousers which, as they are by people like Armani, means a loss of about £900. I am tempted to go for some recompense, espe- cially as my friend has made a fortune from his script. How should I go about bringing the matter to his attention while still giving his girlfriend the benefit of the doubt?
R.B., London W1 A. Nip into a charity shop and buy three pairs of low-quality trousers in the colours You have lost. Your total outlay should be no more than £1.50. Handing these over to your scriptwriting friend say, 'I've found these in my flat They're not mine but the odd thing is that I'm missing three pairs which are vague- ly the same. Do you think Anna may have taken mine by mistake? I'm sure she'll want these back,' you can continue solicitously. And I would certainly like to get mine back because they are by people like Armani and worth £900. Can you get in touch with her and arrange a swop?'
Q. My teenage son, who already speaks `Eton Cockney', has now started eating with his mouth open as an additional form of camouflage. I have told him it makes me physically sick to sit at a table with him, but he says I am being neurotic. How can I make him believe that this sort of thing will actually put civilised people off him?
T.W., London W8 A. Buy some plastic dog messes from a joke shop. Each time you place a serving dish on your table, use one of these as a decorative centre-piece. When your son cries, `Urrgh, Mum! That's put me off my food.' You can reply, 'Indeed.' It should not be long before you can negotiate a resumption of his old table manners in exchange for removal of the dog messes.
Q. A female colleague, no longer in her youth, insists on sitting legs astraddle in our coffee room, regardless of her dress. The layout of the furniture and the directness of her manner make the revolting sight diffi- cult to avoid. It is particularly unpleasant when one is tucking into a sandwich or cream bun. How can we encourage her to adopt a more appropriate posture? She is both forthright and insecure, a peculiar combination which makes it difficult for even a sympathetic female colleague to confront her directly.
Athens A. Engage the services of a mature (female) child roughly aged seven years old. Confide your dilemma in the child and, if necessary, arrange to pay her a small fee for coming to the coffee room one day and sitting in a skirt with her own legs wide apart. You can then cry out, 'Don't sit like that. It's fright- fully rude for a lady to sit with her legs apart.' Masquerading as a cheeky child, your own little aide can shout back imperti- nently, 'Well, she's doing it,' as she points rudely at your colleague, 'and I can see all the way up her legs to her pants!'
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