YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. Some 12 or so years ago I began to notice that a certain woman, whom we had met socially on numerous occasions, had started to make a great show of cutting me and my husband dead whenever our paths crossed. Enquiries revealed that one of my husband's companies owed something like £200 in today's money to one of this woman's brother-in-law's companies, which, incidentally, had folded without sending out its final invoices. As soon as I heard this we settled up. But the cutting continued! Now my sister announces that she has invited this ridiculous woman to stay for Christmas at the same subtropical location where my husband and I also have a second home. Normally, the two house parties are as one. What on earth can I do on this occasion? I cannot exclude my bete noire from my house nor can I ignore her in my sister's.
Name and address withheld A. I happen to know that you are very good at tennis, so why not initiate proceedings by inviting your sister's whole house party over for a doubles tournament? Pair your bete noire with the very worst player in your own house, while you partner the best. Once you have humiliated her with a series of grand slams, the relationship should go back onto its correct footing, and you can resume normal intercourse de haut en bas.
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am shortly to attend my first ever appointment with a dental hygienist. What is the correct clothing to wear on such an occasion?
A.B., London W8 A. There is no need to don specific splatter- wear since the hygienist will usually provide several layers of plastic cape for your pro- tection. If, however, you would like to bring a little sunshine into the (normally dull) life of your hygienist, why not enliven the pro- ceedings by wearing a set of Sir Les Patter- son-style false teeth on top of your own ones as you come into the room and settle into the seating available?
Q. I live in a house with half an acre of roof and more than a dozen staircases. Quite recently some very welcome friends of mine from up-country asked themselves down to Cornwall for a day or two. Could they bring their children? Yes. Could they bring the dog — or maybe it was a ham- ster? Yes. The nanny? Yes. The nanny's boyfriend? Er-well-umm. How could I have dealt with this situation without car- rying on like a Victorian grandee, which I did?
St G., Cornwall A. You could have turned the situation to your advantage by expressing enthusiasm with the addendum, 'But does he realise that Mrs Bridges, who rules the house, will make him work like a slave when he comes? Oh yes,' you would have continued, `Mrs Bridges holds with the old legend of this house that says, "Never a young man should idle be/Or doom will fall on this family." Oh, she'll have him chopping kin- dling, polishing shoes, clearing out grates and so on. For no more than about five or six hours a day, though. Not too bad a deal with bed and board thrown in, don't you think?' This would have sorted out the men from the boys.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WCIN 2LL.
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