YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. How should one most tactfully alert a colleague in a busy office to the fact that there is an irredeemable stain, of goodness knows what origin, in a terribly unfortunate position at the back of the thin white linen trousers they are wearing? I personally wit- nessed just such a contretemps last week but groped for guidance without success and had to let things stand. Please help me to be ready to act in any future incidents of this nature.
C.P., Derbyshire A. Many thin-white-linen-trouser-wearers are guilty of involuntary passive aggression since they induce a low-grade anxiety in onlookers who dread this very contingency. The solution is to arm oneself with some tomato ketchup, red wine, Marmite or Quink and splash a sizable amount onto a chair where the victim will be sitting. This method will serve to swamp the original, perhaps biological, .stain so that you can suddenly shriek without inhibition, 'Oh no, someone's spilt ketchup on that chair and now you've got it all over your trousers!' Your victims would thank you — were they aware. Irritation is always preferable to mortification.
Q. My niece has recently converted and married into a wealthy Orthodox Jewish family. They have been friendly to us and we are delighted to have them as relatives by marriage. However, they have started asking us to sponsor their sporting activities for the benefit of an admirable charity — which we now discover helps only Jews. I would not dream of inviting my Jewish, Muslim or agnostic friends to contribute to a specifically Christian charity. How can I refuse their requests without appearing either mean or anti-Semitic?
Name withheld, the East End A. All charities are discriminatory, so fundraisers cannot be blamed for wishing to raise monies where their natural sympa- thies lie. Your own sympathies may well lie, for example, towards Guide Dogs for the Blind, which discriminates against the fully sighted. However, social pressure from fundraisers is at an all-time high and the way to resist it is to be prepared. Identify a charity you personally approve of and donate to it whatever large or small sum you feel inclined to, or even do some work for it. In this way, you can look fundraisers in the eye and say, 'I'd love to help you but I'm afraid I've got a charity of my own that I support and any funds I can get my hands on I've committed myself to channelling their way!'
Q. May I pass on a tip to readers who, like me, may wish occasionally to get their own back on an irritating spouse or cohabitee? Revenge, as they say, is a dish best served cold, and I have derived great comfort from my 'morning after' solution to provocation from my dear wife. Before going to bed I simply place an upturned spoon directly underneath the tap which she turns on first thing in the morning in order to fill her ket- tle. Then I can lie back and listen to the most delicious screams of fury as she is soaked by the natural fountain which spurts back at her. She never fails to fall for it and never suspects me of having placed the spoon there deliberately!
GA. W., Cheshire
A. Thank you for your tip. It is an enjoy- able example of what M. Scott Peck would no doubt describe as 'delayed gratifica- tion'.
Mary Killen
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