Westminster Corridors

Puzzle knows little of anthropology, and is much intrigued by witchcraft. It is therefore with some pride that he imparts knowledge of the former, and experience of the latter, to the earnest reader. Piltdown Man may well be a name not to be mentioned in academic circles, the Abominable Snowman may never have yielded his Yeti secrets even to the most intrepid Alpinist, but Selsdon Man, thought by many to have gone for ever, exists still — a wasted sad specimen but still with a flicker of life.

And his survival has much to do with Mad Margaret and her familiars from the DES who held a Sabbat in the Commons the other evening involving blindfolds, mystic calculations, the intensity of light, and the presence, the silent presence, of Master St John-Stevas. It is widely believed, however, that the young Hampstead mystic brought along the silk stockings of Queen Victoria from his private collection of enchanted objects and that this had much to do with the final outcome.

With strange incantations the spells of Mad Margaret preserved the Museum Charges legislation in the face of all opposition, even from fleet-footed young athletes like Master Jeffrey Archer, and that pale devout young man, who is so beloved in the shires, Master Cormack.

Scotch Advocate

Of course the logicians were scornful. The scotch Advocate, John Smith, poured abuse upon Mad Margaret's Black Art, and one could expect little else from a land which has incinerated so many mystics and teaches its children much calculus. Advocate John, with his pedantic knowledge of the Law, wondered how the will of Mister Henry Vaughan, who left many splendid Turner pictures to the National Gallery of Scotland on condition that they be shown free, might be observed:

I do not know how the people who wish to see the Turners, which are kept in the print room in the rear of the National Gallery, will be conducted in their passage through the gallery to see the pictures. Will they be blindfolded?

A pox on his Scotch logic. It is all part of Mad Margaret's spell to keep life in Selsdon Man.

The same is true of the enchanted money circle which is much more powerful than the circle and pentacle. Mad Margaret explained. From the collection of silver at the museum Idoors revenue of about £1.2 million will be obtained. Some of this will be sent to the VAT inspectors, but collected back from the sale of amulets and the like. This is the Minor Magic Circle within the Major Magic Circle.

Circle completed

iThe Galleries will keep the remainder which will be more than a million pounds. Then there is the cost of collection. For example the cost of collection in the National Museum of Antiquities in Edinburgh is 45 per cent of the takings. Mad Margaret completed the Major Magic Circle by explaining that this cost is met from the Department of the Environment Vote.

And all the Circles are contained within the Greater Galaxy of the Quinquennial Grantr Now Master Cormack, of the sad countenance, was most particular in his demands that the money gathered at the doors should not be deducted from the

The capital programmes are subject to the same conditions as other capital programmes ... subject to the state of the economy ... Acquisition has nothing to do with this money ... the grant is determined quinquennially and will continue to be determined in that way.

There must be no abuse, for of what good is mystic if she is completely understood? She might as well be a chemist or a barrister-atlaw like the Scotch advocate in all his Caledonian coarseness.

To be truthful Mad Margaret's prophecies did demand a knowledge of the occult which was beyond Master Puzzle who has wasted too much of his life in lowly hostelries. For example she explained that old age pensioners might acquire a season ticket for all eighteen national museums for a mere 50p. But if the geriatrics are so indigent as to require this concession how can they pay the coach fare from the Fitzwilliam in Cambridge to the National Gallery in Edinburgh? Perhaps broomsticks will be supplied.

Labour spokesman

Despite these mysteries much good was achieved. The very presence of the Finchley Witch seemed to call forth the evil spirits in Mr Andrew Faulds who cried aloud and indeed bellowed greatly although he did not know where to sit. He told all he was Labour spokesman for the Arts but neither opened nor closed. One day all will be made known.

Then Master Nicholas Ridley, who longs to exorcise the spirits of the Civil Service, spoke darkly of the government already spending £4,400m and said that, if the Arts cost £23m, why not charge more than a million and not less. But he did not state an opinion on whether the greater sum should travel round the mystic circles of Mad Margaret to save Selsdon Man. However, if nothing else was achieved by the debate, it brought some relief to that young man who fought on, believing that Selsdon Man existed when the mockers in his own front bench said he was dead.

These were but diversions. The main achievement was that, by the magic money 'circle, and other spells, the Prime Minister's :sanity was preserved. Selsdon Man lives. And the only doubts in Puzzle's mind as he took himself off for a thimbleful of Malmsey are best expressed in the words of Mister Kipling:

We know that the tail must wag the dog. For the horse is drawn by the cart, But the Devil whoops, as he whooped of old: ' It's clever, but is it Art?'

Tom Puzzle