'Tis the season to be lazy
Rachel Johnson suggests the perfect approach to the festive period — pay others to do the hard work for you For some, the countdown to Christmas starts on Boxing Day. These people carefully fold up wrapping paper to re-use, they freeze leftover brandy butter, they buy their baubles and decorations at half price in January sales, they make the plum pudding in May, and they follow 48-point kitchen checklists when it comes to the lunch (which refer grimly to `the bird') and read long tracts about butter-soaked muslin, or brining. This piece is not for them.
This piece is for the wives and mothers whose menfolk remain unaware that the festive — hollow 'ho ho' — season is more work than the rest of the year put together and who do not want to martyr themselves on the cross again, and actually want to enjoy it instead, even if it's only for five minutes when they can unwrap a Bendicks Bittermint, sit in front of a roaring Me, gaze fondly at their loved ones and think drunken seasonal thoughts.
Now I know it's a busy time of year so to save you the trouble I've done a bit of work and have the following suggestions, which mostly involve you, sir, spending some money for a change. So my patented three-point plan for Christmas, if your wife has drawn the short straw this year and is expected to provide a groaning board and ghastly good cheer, is this: 1. Get help. 2. Get help. 3. Get help.
Before I go on, a word on staff. It's so unreasonable for them to have Christmas too, isn't it? My cleaner is a Hindu from Mumbai, and so far this year she has had paid days off for Easter, Eid, Ramadan, Thanksgiving and Christmas, which is very observant of her. According to one superrich and overstaffed friend of mine, the secret is that one should never allow 'all the staff' (sic) to take conge annuel at once, but to have at least one person serving the family's needs every day. 'The problem is the nouveau riche don't know how to manage their staff,' he grumbled. 'They allow them days off, pay them too much, they don't know who's boss. Ruins it for everyone.'
Down to brass tacks, then. Cleaning. So your cleaner is away and you're on your knees with your Marigolds in the toilet bowl; yes, I know, but it's not actually impossible to get other people to step into the shoes of treasures who are taking a well-earned break. If you live within the M25, Absolutely Spotless will rustle up a team of muscular Aussies in shorts to spring-clean your house (about £300 for a normal-size house, four beds, excluding carpet-cleaning). The only day they don't work is 25 December and as Jack Pead, the owner, says, 'If someone uses us on Boxing Day, they'll use us again.'
As for the cooking — well, Absolute Taste is a catering company that runs an in-flight service. 'We're open every day and Christmas Day's always busy as we supply private and executive jets,' says the head planner, Hannah. 'If you wanted us to do Christmas, we'd need two weeks' notice and we'd charge a premium, but we would do it.'
I also know someone who can do your present-shopping, wrapping, delivering thereof; the same person can decorate your house with wreaths and garlands and stockings for the fireplace, candles and nativity cribs; she can buy and dress your tree in your preferred colours or personal tartan, pack and deliver hampers, order and choose your wine; be an all-round Christmas fairy to do all the things like queuing for the turkey at Lidgates, buying and sending Christmas cards and booking the tickets for the ballet and the Tutankhamun show. This person will even take down the tree, store the decorations for next year and clear up the house after it's all over, arrange a driver and the winter holiday.
No, it's not your wife! Yes, I know she usually does all the above. You clearly haven't grasped the point of the article. It's Mrs Quintessentially. Unlike your wife, though, she knows how to charge: it costs £750 a year to join Quintessentially on the General level (£24,000 for the Elite level). A private chef for, say, Christmas Eve and Christmas day could start from £700.
Yes, I know it's not cheap. But what you're paying for, at this time of year, is not for something to be cheap, you Scrooge, it's for Christmas to be cheerful.
And that should be beyond price.
www.absolutelyspotless.co.uk www.absolutetaste.corn www.quintessentially.corn
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