Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Am worried and confused. Just back from Forward Planning Meeting and whole of Grid for next three months is choc-a-bloc with extremely scary stuff. Clampdowns on everything from malingering benefit claimants to selfish single mums. New catchphrases include: 'Prison Works', 'On Your Bike!' and 'Women! Know your working limits!' Nothing about the environment. Not a mention of my idea for an ethical Xmas gifts campaign based around Dave visiting Malawi to present a desperate family with a goat on behalf of each modernising participant. Only thing that was even remotely compassionate was clampdown on multi-faith nativity plays. And that was only a bit nice because we are going to 'bring back Jesus in a manger'. I can just about work out why we need to 'show a bit of ankle' to rightwingers by promising tax cuts. But do we really need to hint at withdrawing from the EU, slashing public expenditure and bringing back capital punishment? Talk about sledgehammer to crack a nutcase. Am off to the Tranquillity Room to try to remember what it's really all about.
TUESDAY Blimey! Been reading through old briefing notes from Mr Letwin's strategy seminars when Dave first took over (is it really two years ago?). It's like everything I've ever been confused about is explained in here. I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't tell me how to do a flying change on Sesame. Basically, we are now coming to the end of Phase One of Operation Dave, the aim of which was to 'Make everyone like us. Method for achieving this: Any'. Now we are ahead in the polls, we will put Phase Two into operation and 'Revert to proper policy arrangements — see Appendix B (restricted)'. Don't have access to Appendix B yet, although I bet I do when I take up my new role in Ambience Management. Mind you, do we still need Ambience Management now it's all about clampdowns and meeting George W. Bush?
WEDNESDAY Received my invitation to Bozza's Christmas do! It's a Star Wars themed party. Hooray! Have ordered my Princess Leia costume online. Am assuming Boris will be Chewbacca, Dave Luke Skywalker, Jed Obi-Wan. More good news: Nigel says we need Ambience Management more than ever now we are telling people extremely unpleasant things all the time. Soft lighting and a wellplaced pot plant could make all the difference between an immigration clampdown backfiring, and a hardline triumph showing Dave to be a leader of supreme strength and courage who is telling the nation the hard truths it needs to hear — because he cares. It's all on!! Beats going on the Washington trip. Told Poppy she's welcome to her three days at the Hyatt Regency. They don't even have a spa pool.
THURSDAY Office v quiet since Dave left for Washington. Even though it's only a 'drop-out' meeting, we're hoping for lots of nice piccies of him and George. Part of the all new Neo-Conservative party! We have a lot in common with Mr Bush, including our unswerving commitment to the War on Terror (well, it only swerved a bit and that was because we were still in Phase One). Tried to show off my new grasp of strategy by explaining this to Wonky Tom but he said, 'Don't be stupid, this whole trip's about meeting Hillary.' He says we are now laying the groundwork for Phase Three. Once our rightwing policies earn us sufficient respect we will be able to bring in liberal ideas such as being nice to drug addicts and helping the developing world. Oh dear. Am confused again.
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