SCIENCE
Forthcoming news of 1972
Bernard Dixon
Readers of this column may care to hear about the major events of 1972 in advance. For them and for newspapers like the Guardian, which need more time than others to set up their type for topical stories, herewith my press cuttings of the year's most important happenings in science and technology: February: "Concorde — surprise cancellation. High Hopes' for new project. The Anglo-French supersonic airliner, Concorde, has been cancelled, the Prime Minister announced today. The British prototype already built will be laid up in Battersea Gardens as a technological fun palace, Benn's Folly, and all design and production staff immediately made redundant. 'This step has been made necessary,' said Mr Heath, by a shortage of funds caused by a failure of City and overseas gnomes to manifest the expected renewal of confidence after the Conservative government had supplanted the Labour government, which had lost the confidence of industry at home and abroad following the difficulties experienced by the previous Conservative administration which were traceable back to the former Labour government. " ' Mr John Davies, Minister for Trade and Industry, is, however, impressed by the weight of argument in favour of what we call technological spin-orf from a project such as Concorde. For example, Concorde has stimulated considerable research on methods of combating the tremendous noise which the fully operational version would have created. It has also helped us to develop sophisticated cost accounting and management techniques that are invaluable for the unprecedented and unique task of building Concorde.
"'Mindful of these arguments and of the need for the present administration to leave its stamp of greatness on Britain in the shape of a permanent memorial, Her Majesty's Government has decided to build the world's biggest, fastest and costliest racing yacht. Work will begin on Clydebank next week, bringing much-needed employment and hope to the area.'
"Redundant Concorde engineers will be offered the job of designing navigation and guidance systems for the new yacht."
April: "Newton debunked by Herne Bay carpenter. The scientific establishment was shaken to its foundations today by publication, in the Proceedings of the Herne Bay Philosophical Society, of a theory that Sir Isaac Newton was not responsible for the studies on gravitation, light waves, and the calculus, for which he has long been famous. Mr Lionel Gerrymander, of 517b The Esplanade, Herne Bay, has unearthed documents showing that Newton did not write his alleged masterpiece Principia, which was actually the work of William of Orange in the seminal years after he married Princess Mary in 1677. Mr Gerrymander also has evidence that Jack the Ripper pioneered organ transplantation, and that the Royal Society, inaugurated in England in 1662, was founded by members of one of the lost tribes of Israel who came to England in search of hallucinogenic alkaloids found only in the common field mushroom Psalliota campestris."
May: "Mystery stirrings in Whitehall. As well as Nessie and Morag (the monster detected in Loch Morar in 1970), it seems that Britain now has a third national monster to cope with. Scientists from the Natural Environment Research Council (NERC) claimed today to have discovered 'irrefutable' evidence of life deep within the Treasury buildings in Whitehall. We have convincing evidence of a sentient being somewhere in there,' said Dr Hal Pottinger, leader of an expedition just returned from preliminary soundings. Next month the team will send an ultrasonic beam into the depths of the Treasury and any echoes returning will be analysed on the Meteorological Office's new giant computer at Bracknell, Berks." August: "Britain opts out of Moon race. The UK will not take part in further Moon exploration, it was announced today, and Blue Streak, which was to have formed the basis for the British rocket for the mission, will again be scrapped. The announcement came from Mr Raymond Baxter, the Government's new space adviser, who has built up such an incredible reputation as a guide to the world of science."
December: Go-ahead for Essex fish farm. The Minister for the Environment has given the green light for plans to turn the entire county of Essex into a gigantic fish farm. Retaining walls will he constructed along the borders of the county, and the land flooded gradually over the next two years. The lake will then be stocked with fish and farmed regularly. Local residents are said to be concerned,' but Mr Heath has countered criticisms by referring to the amenity value of the new lake. The opportunities for sailing are particularly exciting,' he chuckled at today's press conference."
Previous page
