Country life
Out of it
Leanda de Lisle
It must be hard work looking after a min- imalist home — never forgetting to hide away the paperback you've just put down, keeping every surface spotless. But they come into their own this week. While most rural families face spending hours, if not days, packing away cribs and ancient pieces of tinsel, the minimalist home-owner just has to take down the one or two baubles he has hanging from his cactus and deposit them in the bin.
However, while my thoughts are with all those people gathering up new cardboard boxes in which to store dangerously old fairy-lights, I have escaped this annual pur- gatory. We left our rapidly balding Christ- mas tree in the tender care of my daily (who, in return, was lent the house for her millennium party) and flew to the Caribbean to spend New Year's Eve on a beach. The holiday was organised by my mother- and father-in-law who wanted us to do something that their grandchildren would remember for the rest of their lives.
I can't imagine many things nicer than disappearing from England for a week and then returning to find that all the festive fun is over. But perhaps disappearing with- out six children would be one of them. It's not that I don't enjoy being with my chil- dren, or that my nephews and niece aren't perfectly charming, it's just that large fami- ly occasions are exhausting enough when they are only a few hours long. I need hard- ly spell out the kind of stress we may have to endure over the course of the next few days. How will we keep on an even keel? I'm going to spend a lot of time being mas- saged by beach boys, whatever anyone else plans to do.
I don't suppose, however, I'll be able to evade this week's responsibilities altogeth- er. Among them will be trying to prevent the children from making too much noise around the resort's pool. Loud games amidst slumbering strangers make my hus- band very anxious, so I have to look as if I'm trying to do something about it. The occasional feeble cry of 'keep it down' should achieve that, but won't quieten our young tribe — nothing short of strong drugs would, and they are not an option.
Drugging the children would deprive them of the memories that are the entire point of this holiday. But drugging the adults could be an idea. A little ganja for my husband might help us both relax. I hear other Masters of Foxhounds are very taken with the weed. A friend who went to dinner at the house of one MFH told me that great fat joints were passed round with the port. I wonder what after dinner games they played? 'Run the pink elephant to ground', 'Hunt the savouries' and 'Sleep under the furniture'? Thinking about it, a ganj a-smoking father wouldn't be a pretty sight.
Besides, doesn't ganja make people para- noid? I wouldn't want to find Peter shiver- ing in a corner, gibbering that Ken Livingstone had come to get him. He's almost at that stage without the benefit of drugs, and I'm hoping our holiday in Bar- bados will distract him from thoughts of what the rest of the year may hold.
For while the festive season may be over when we return to country life, the open season on those who enjoy it will have begun anew. We are just clutter in New Labour's fashion-conscious, urban home.
Previous page
