Television
For the money
Richard lngrams
For one awful moment on Sunday night it looked as if the World Cup Final would be a draw and that they would have to go through the whole thing all over again. In the event, as readers may know, the Argentinians clinched matters in extra time thus bringing the long-drawn-out affair to an end. In the closing minutes David Coleman in his inimitable way observed, 'I think the referee will be relieved to see the moment when it's all over'. I couldn't help thinking that he wouldn't be the only one.
If the final was anything to go by I think I made the right decision in boycotting the preceding games. First of all the Argentinians were late in coming onto the pitch. Then when they finally did they made some footling objection to the fact that one of the Dutch players had his wrist in plaster. 'It's an unusual situation that's occurred here,' Coleman explained while we all waited to discover what was going on. 'Certainly the whole scene is unsatisfactory.' When the game at last began Coleman admitted after some ten minutes of play that there was `no pattern yet emerging'. I myself with my inexpert eye could discern a definite pattern consisting of men tripping each other up, kicking each other in the shins, writhing on the ground in bogus deaththroes and even spitting at their opponents — in short the familiar pattern that is modern football. All Coleman however meant to say was that neither side appeared to be winning. However, when the Argentine Kempes at last scored a goal he was ecstatic and informed us, 'He started the World Cup with a moustache. But he couldn't get goals. So he shaved it off. And they haven't stopped coming ever since.'
Certain good things one takes for granted and as a result they are never referred to, such as the presence of Patrick Campbell on Call My Bluff (BBC-2). I have always thought that this is a pretty rotten panel game, as there seems to be no skill involved. Indeed I understand that the replies are scripted. After years in the Chairman's seat Robert Robinson makes no effort at all to concel his boredom. Every gesture and inflection conveys the feeling of a man who is only doing it for the money and doesn't mind if it looks that way. 'Let's have the correct answer, and then we can all go home,' he said impatiently at the end of the show last week. Frank Muir tries desperately to be lively but the strain is beginning to tell. It is the tall bald stuttering Irish peer who single-handedly makes the show worth watching. His air of polite condescension to all the others is impeccable, as is the timing of his interjections. He, too, is only doing it for the money but he is doing it superbly well.
After so many recurring familiar faces, or 'well known sheepdogs' as my Fan Club would call them, the appearance of a new face with a relatively intelligent brain behind it is always welcome on the screen. It was a good idea to let the British Museum's Dr Ann Birchall, an archaeologist of pleasant demeanour, compere Colossus (BBC-2) the story of the salvaging of Sir William Hamilton's smashed collection of Greek vases from the sea-bed off the Scilly Isles where it sank in 1798. Left to someone like Christopher Brasher this tale could have been a bore but Dr Birchall brought the freshness of a newcomer to the telling and conveyed her scholarly enthusiasm for the 8000 piece underwater jigsaw puzzle very well. There was one of those curious telly-echoes later on News at Ten when tearful French art experts were shown collecting in boxes bits of the Versailles paintings blown up at the weekend by political vandals.
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