YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. What should one do when one opens the door to find masked men on the doorstep who then push their way into the house Intent on robbery?
D.P., Moreton-in-Marsh A. Greet them by saying, 'Hello! You're first to arrive. The others will be here any minute. Such fun, fancy dress parties, aren't they?'
?,',Like your correspondent J. St C. (15 February) I too am the owner of a Cavalier Lying Charles spaniel. He is the oldest dog in our household and is consequently allowed to put his head and paws right into the wash- mg-up machine before it is operated so that he can lick the plates. My sister feels this Might offend guests. If so, what is the best Way to pass off this behaviour?
C.C., Glos 4. Put a sticky label on the machine bearing the message: 'Warning. Boiling point tem- peratures reached while machine is operat- ing. Please stand clear.' Most people associ- ate boiling point with sterility so this action should put guests at their ease.
Q. I may live in Holland Park, but walls of
Dear Mary.. .
converted houses are just as thin here as anywhere else. Two weeks ago our Sunday lunch was hideously disturbed by the young couple next door making love very noisily — it sounded more like murder. Again, on Valentine's night, I was woken in the small hours by the same perfor- mance. Thinking I would drop in a polite note, I was disconcerted to be told by another flat-owner that the husband had been away recently, but was now back. Obviously I would not wish to expose a secret, if noisy, fling. But I dread my young children being traumatised by fur- ther repeats. What would you advise?
Name withheld, London W11 A. Stand at the party wall yelling and gasp- ing yourself next Sunday lunchtime. Two days later drop a note through the young couple's letterbox. It should announce that, following complaints from two sets of neighbours on your other side, you would like to apologise for any noise disturbance that may have emanated from your flat dur- ing the past few days. You had had no idea how much could be overheard through the (clearly) paper-thin walls, but, having now ascertained that there is a problem, you would like to reassure them that you will make every effort to ensure there is no rep- etition of the nuisance in the future.
Q. With reference to your query of 7 December as to whether or not `Zim' is acceptable, you decreed that it was not, but I can assure you that it is. 'What is me is U!'
Plunket, Chimanimani, Zimbabwe A. Following a torrent of complaints, I am prepared to clarify my pronouncement. `Zim' is only unacceptable when used as a way of excluding those who are not privy to the delights of post-colonial life and must ask what it means. To be told, 'Why, Zim- babwe of course!' is quite insufferable dur- ing a cold English winter.
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