DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY Thank goodness I keep a diary. I want to put on record here so that future generations of Lightwaters can see that it was my idea to have Our Leader encounter a great white ‘shark’ while surfing in South Africa! Moreover I picked out the blue, Malibu-cut Vilebrequins Dave was wearing while fleeing the ‘shark’. And I was in charge of the photos of him emerging from the sea looking like a dark-haired Daniel Craig. Of course Poppy and Suzie are trying to take all the credit but Jed knows it was me. He says if he can find someone else to take over pot plant and ambience management, he will move me to a permanent role as part of the team overseeing strategic directional development of Dave’s Sex Appeal. This is more important than ever now that it’s that clear that nothing policy-driven is going to make the slightest bit of difference to Labour’s grip on power. Of course we need to work out why people aren’t bothered about Northern Rock. But that’s easier said than done when Lord A has done all the focus-grouping and won’t let us see the results. Hope they don’t get me to go and knock on his door again.
TUESDAY V boring strategy meeting about the Speaker row. One thing puzzles me: Why do we call him Goebbels Mick? Won’t that start another row about the Holocaust? Anyway, we can’t seem to decide whether we want him to go or not now. Personally I can’t see what the fuss is about. How else is his poor wife supposed to go shopping if she can’t take a black cab? Worked up a really clever statement for Mr Hague to deliver: ‘When we said school trips to Auschwitz were a ridiculous gimmick we obviously didn’t mean they are a ridiculous gimmick and anyone who persists in accusing us of saying this is playing silly games.’ That ought to do it.
WEDNESDAY As I feared, Jed made me stay behind and go to his Lordship’s office at ten o’clock last night to steal the focus group results. They were on his desk in a big file marked ‘Restricted — A-Team only’. We had a quick flick through. Lot of stuff about voters supporting renationalisation of industry, tax rises, banning City bonuses and bringing in new trade union rights for workers. Jed said we may need to have a bit of a rethink. Spent afternoon working on Coalition Relations, our new unit reaching out to Fringe Tory Communities whose support we will need after all, unfortunately, if the polls don’t improve. So far we’ve made contact with the Angry Britons Foundation, the IDon’tWantToBeInEurope group and The League of Conservative Badger Cullers. I suggested we try to talk to Mr Leigh but Nigel says that’s going a bit too far.
THURSDAY Big mayoral strategy meeting at HQ with Dave and Boris’s team. Everyone got v heated and Dave accused Boris of refusing to play ball by unleashing Operation Newtcatcher and all the juicy stuff we’ve dug up. Now Jed says my presentational skills are needed at Boris HQ. He says only I can save London from the grip of Red Ken. The future of Porsche drivers everywhere is in my hands! I must rise to the challenge. But how on earth am I supposed to get the Bozmeister swimming at speed away from a ‘shark’? Maybe I could organise something at the London Aquarium. With penguins.
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