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Dear Mary
Q. I suffer from a form of visual Spoonerism (in New College chapel Warden Spooner concluded, ‘in the sermon which I have just been preaching, wherever I have said Aristotle I have meant St Paul’). I often recognise a person as somebody completely different. The other day I went to a private view at a Bond Street gallery and confidently greeted our host as Gerry. I thought he seemed a little cool. As we left I said a cheerful ‘Goodbye, Gerry’. Actually it turns out that his name is Christopher, and I know perfectly well the difference between Christopher and Gerry. What am I to do to remedy this unfortunate gaffe?
R.O., Kent A. Since there is very little you can do about this propensity you must use it to spark selfimportance in your victims. Syndromes are all the rage these days and this is the first time that old-fashioned absent-mindedness has been billed as ‘visual Spoonerism’. If you are aware such a gaffe has happened, make sure you refer to it as soon as naturally possible with the subject of your confusion. Beam brightly as you out yourself as a sufferer of VSS (Visual Spoonerism Syndrome). Urge your interlocutor to consider whether they too might suffer from a syndrome of any kind, then nod in fascination as they answer. Most people are able to dredge one up if they try.
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