COMPETITION

Parish news

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1776 you were invited to include two given, famously flat lines from Wordsworth and Tennyson in a blank-verse local tale.

Blank verse, by definition, doesn't rhyme, and so a few of you were unhappily disqualified. On the other hand, it doesn't have to be decasyllabic. Tennyson's 'But Dora stayed unmarried till she died' con- sists of ten syllables and the metrical beat is mercilessly di-dum-di-dum; yet he also wrote the line 'Ruining along the illimit- able inane', which has 13 syllables and is far from di-dum-di-dum. Though I didn't mind your verses being flat, I preferred the parish news not to be. Remember the disgraced Vicar of Stukeley, who ended up displaying himself in a barrel at fairs? An excellent entry. The winners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Aberlour Single Malt whisky goes to Tony Joseph for his odd, melancholy tale.

She finally gave up trying to phone Relate The line seemed constantly to be engaged. She put the phone down almost with relief: How could they help with problems such as

hers?

Ten live-in boy friends (six of them at once) And all with sexual habits worse than lewd, Not one of them with marriage in his mind. She must — yes, after all — get some advice,

But who to ask? Her sister's best friend's aunt? Or what about that man she'd met in Boots,

A Mr Wilkinson, a clergyman,

A man of God (with expertise on sex)?

And Wilkinson he let her have it straight,

And God chipped in with His twopenn'orth too. But Dora stayed unmarried till she died, For what they told her was no help at all. (Tony Joseph)

The Sexton caught him at it in the church, Astride the organist, Miss Dora James, A cassock for a pillow 'neath her head, Another to protect her slender thighs. Concealed, the Sexton watched until they left; Then, gaining courage from Communion wine, Disguised his voice and rang the Bishop's wife. 'A Mr Wilkinson, a clergyman . . . ? Disgusting! Yes — you're absolutely right.

I'll see he leaves the parish right away . .

Miss Dora said goodbye, imagining He'd been promoted in the diocese.

In fact, he entered commerce, made his mark, Became a philanthropic millionaire, A family man, revered by one and all.

But Dora stayed unmarried till she died.

(Marian Moseley) After her parents left this life below, Miss Dora Farthingale, the only child Of Farthingale the black-lead millionaire, Lived in simplicity at Parkhead Grange.

She was much visited by younger sons Of Barons, Marquises and minor Dukes, And even elder sons of straitened lines; But Dora stayed unmarried till she died, Giving her life and alms for the Relief Of Minor Clergy. Thus preoccupied, She died intestate; and her ample wealth Passed to her second cousin twice-removed, A Mr Wilkinson, a clergyman, Who, suitably relieved, renounced the cloth For Monte Carlo. He resides there still, Far from the black-lead chimney's Stygian plume. (Noel Petty) A Mr Wilkinson, a clergyman, Came to our parish — 'twas the self-same year Of that small earthquake by which few were hurt In Chile. His Induction being done, He set about some changes: sang the Creed Facing the East to do it; changed his stole After the seasons of the festal year; Till Dora Plackett, stout in simple faith, Earnest to worship in the antique mode, Observing he'd begun to genuflect, Wrote to our Bishop. 'Let him be forthwith Unfrocked!' urged she, still blushing at the word.

Fond hope! The man was nephew to a Lord.

He rose to wear the gaiters of the See And bear a quiverful of likely sons: But Dora stayed unmarried till she died.

(Alyson Nikiteas) The denizens of Dewbridge still revile The author of their parish's disgrace, A Mr Wilkinson, a clergyman Who scandalised the village long ago.

His sermons were notoriously ripe; Swarthy and sleek, with huge galvanic eyes, He detailed every form of carnal sin While matrons glowered and their daughters purred.

Young Dora Page rose from her pew one day And ran towards him proffering her love.

He seized her with Tartuffian shamelessness And took advantage of her in the apse, Pleading in mitigation 'Homo sum!'

The people drummed him from the diocese; He moved to Wales and wed an errant nun, But Dora stayed unmarried till she died.

(A. C. Bowden) Eleven tall sons, a home-grown football team - But Dora stayed unmarried till she died.

Her neighbours fed on each fast pregnancy As village voices do, coaxing afresh, Yet Dora's lips were sealed, or almost sealed.

Sometimes a hint, a careless crumb, would slip And rumours grew: that El Dorado chap; The racing driver from the soft drinks ad; Some back-bench Member (party undisclosed - Domestic gossip ignores politics, Is ever personal); a Royal name - At which, mysteriously, Dora blushed, Then smiled. So when, dead drunk, she died, the truth - A Mr Wilkinson, a clergyman - Was just short change in local bars and shops, And her vicarious glamour was unfrocked.

(D. A. Prince)

No. 1779: Franklin's Tale

One of Benjamin Franklin's maxims was, 'Three keep a secret, when two are dead.' You are invited to exemplify this truth by a story either in prose (maximum 150 words) or in verse (maximum 16 lines). Entries to 'Competition No. 1779' by 14 May.