Parliament opened up

AFTERTHOUGHT JOHN WELLS

MY LORDS AND MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,

My wife and I —some of you may be pondering in your minds on the unaccustomed absence of Her Gracious Majesty from these our cere- monies, and indeed upon my own appearance before you as your Prime Minister wearing this floor-sweeping eggshell blue satin bailgown with the ermine-trimmed accessories, crowned with rubies and grasping in my hands the outmoded baubles and insignia of old-hat, dinosaur-style despotic rule. To those of you so pondering I would say just this : belt up, pin your ears back, and you are not paid to ask questions. Or rather you are paid to ask questions, but that's as far as it goes. And let's have less of your sniggering in the Government back benches. As I was say- ing, my wife and I look forward with pleasure to the state visit to this country of the Prime Minister of Rhodesia, and to our own subse- quent visit to Washington. This may well be extended to cover the duration of the Common- wealth Prime Ministers' Conference, to be held here in London in January.

My Government will continue to play an active part in the constructive efforts of the United Nations to assure a peaceful and stable world. In the destructive efforts of the United Nations to assure absolute pandemonium we will have no part whatsoever.

My Ministers will continue their efforts to achieve progress on arms control and disarma- ment: in particular on the control of the Nigerian arms market and the disarmament of the so-called Biafran home guard elements before they are shot.

My Government will seek to use all available means to achieve a negotiated settlement of the conflict in Vietnam. The available means at our disposal are limited, but we shall not be de- terred from continuing to send postcards to Hanoi, recognising full well that more inflam- matory methods could only embarrass our American allies and draw unnecessary attention to our own activities in West Africa.

My Government look forward to the early reopening of negotiations to provide for Britain's entry into the European Communities. We reaffirm our intention however of only going in on terms acceptable to my Government, to wit massive electoral advantage and huge per- sonal credit to myself.

The people of Federal Nigeria, that is to say the people at present in power, will continue to receive the full support of my Government: the people of Eastern Nigeria on the other hand, at present struggling for their so-called indepen- dence, will continue to be ruthlessly starved, deceived and wiped out, and my Ministers will continue to tell the most appalling lies should so tasteless a subject be discussed in this House.

MY LORDS.

I will be brief. You are for the chop. For too long the pigmy fingers of moribund old:school- tie privilege have tried to monkey with the levers of power. Legislation will be introduced to bring the House of Lords into line with the modern parliamentary system : that is to say to turn it into a rest-home for shambling broken- down yes-men more ready to put their trembling signatures with suitable promptitude to my enlightened decrees.

MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,

Various Bills will be laid before you. They will then be discussed, with whatever degree of intensity you deem suitable, and passed. I will not burden you with their exact content, but suffice it to say that the principal aim of my Government's policy is to remain in power, and that Socialist members at least, having per- formed such moral pirouettes and oratorical pas de deux as they feel the situation demands, will file through the appropriate lobby. And let's have no nonsense.

My Ministers will also appear on television during the coming session, lamenting the decline in public respect for Parliamentary Democracy brought about by the crassly irresponsible atti- tude of those working in the mass media.

Y'know, and here I will deviate from tradi- tional procedures for a moment—if you would be so kind as to remove that bauble I can per- haps sprawl more informally among these decaying volumes—y'know it isn't easy trying to rule this country of ours single-handed. My Cabinet, and I say this quite sincerely, are faced with the dreadfully difficult task of moving con- stantly from Ministry to Ministry, attempting at each move to grasp at least the rudiments of a job it would take many cleverer men and women a lifetime of application to understand. You, performing what my good friend Walter Bagehot has called the dignified part of Govern- ment, that is to say the glamorous activities and empty show by which we attract to ourselves the affection and support of the electorate, have allowed yourselves again and again to get bogged down in sectarian squabbles and petty tiffs, leaving me too often to bear alone the hot spotlight of public adulation, while at the same time having to carry out what Bagehot calls the efficient part, namely running the country.

A Bill will therefore be presented to you—I have already passed it and made it law. so you can in fact keep it—uniting the dignified and efficient parts in myself, thus revitalising and

dynamising the whole run-down system, s%ith myself in the constitutional role of King Em- peror. I shall in future be operating from the Palace, and you will continue to go through your irrelevant movements down here, enjo ing as always my cynical amusement and utter contempt.

MY LORDS AND MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,

I pray that the blessing of Almighty God way rest upon your deliberations.