Ask a silly question

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 2313 you were invited to outMary 'Dear Mary' by raising a preposterous question of social behaviour and providing an absurd and ingenious answer.

J ast week I began with a digression. This week I begin with something far more fashionable: an apology. It has apparently sometimes taken several weeks for the vouchers for cases of Cobra Premium beer to reach their owners. I shall try to ensure that it doesn't happen again. I'm sorry,

This competition was slightly flawed in conception, since it is almost impossible to outparody a parody; the best one can do is match it. This you did successfully. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus case of Cobra Premium beer goes to Mike Morrison.

Q. My husband, who is otherwise kindness personified, has become an irritating control freak. I am reasonably, though not excessively house-proud; yet he finds it necessary to fiddle with my flower arrangements and check for dust on household ornaments. He empties crumbs daily from the toaster and, most infuriatingly, rearranges canned foods into what he declares to be their logical order. Pm certain he needs help. Any ideas, Mary?

A. It strikes me that two species of male infest this planet: inveterate slobs and your variety. Surest that for a trial period he alone runs the show, this to include shopping horticulture, cleaning and domestic logistics generally. In his absence, make minor adjustments: poison the flower water conceal tinned goods, leave curtains askew, sprinkle itching powder on to dustables. Deny all knowledge of these mysterious occurrences. Within days he should begin to quay his perfective skills and unconditionally surrender.

Mike Morrison

Q. My husband, who claims descent from an earl, has taken to 'going to the bathroom' in the fireplace. He justifies this behaviour by referring to Bert, the tenth Duke of Marlborough, and he says that this is an aristocratic privilege. How can I dissuade him from this habit, which we find embarrassing, especially when guests are present? A. Although this convenient behaviour was at one time normal among the aristocracy, it has now virtually died out, except in Scotland. Your best course of action is to have a one-bar electric fire on the hearth, and as the voided liquid is a good conductor the current travelling upstream will give him a persuasive shock A friend who is a professor of physics tells me that this is almost certain to stop him for good.

John Kinsman Q. I seek your advice about a problem of which you will presumably have no personal experience, but which upsets me. I refer to the increasing practice, among young men in public houses or restaurants, of persistently talking on their mobile telephones while standing at the urinal. This habit may not be actually unhygienic, but I find it distasteful, and it certainly smacks of showing off. What should I do?

A. Next time you find yourself stalled alongside one of these self,promoting offenders, remark casually (while looking nowhere in particular), 'Oh my goodness! That's a tiny one, isn't it? I've never seen one as little as that before.' That should give the poseur pause for thought.

Martin Woodhead Q. My parents have recently bought a pedigree hamster to keep them company, and now when they come to stay they bring it in a cage and park it in our drawing-room. They then lavish all conversation and affection on it. I do not wish to hurt their Feelings, but I wish them to desist. How to proceed? A. Purchase an unusual pet of your own — there are stoats to be had at www.exoticpets.com, which your secretary will easily locate. Visit your parents as soon as possible, taking your stoat and (this is most important) a professional stoat-handler, preferably rather shabby. Talk excitedly about your new pet, and congratulate them on their inspiration. With a brisk &inky, meet Hamlet,' have your man introduce the two pets. This should settle matters and, if you proceed quickly, you should get your money back on the stoat, using your rights as a consumer.

Bill Green well Q. During last summer's glorious weather, I found it uncomfortable to wear anything other than flimsy cotton skirts and dresses. Perhaps you can advise me, Mary: how can one guard against swaths of the aforementioned fabric becoming lodged in the cleft of one's bottom?

A. I have observed far too many Englishwomen standing at sinks, ovens or in shopping queues during the summer heatwave, evidently in blissfid ignorance that this sort of unsightly buttocical pegging has taken place. Those in the know buy stomach-control pants from Marks dz Spencer and wear them back to front. By this method a firm panel of corsetry can serve as an effective buttock-blocker; preventing any fabric access to the posterioral interstice to which you make reference. Peter Dron

Q. On returning from a Bournemouth conference, I learn that standing ovations were discouraged by Gladstone on the grounds that they revealed a poor literary taste. According to Franklin's Political Etiquette of 1911, a standing ovation 'should reflect a sense of modesty tinged with appreciation, and should on no account be comparable to a street celebration or sporting occasion'. Have I transgressed good taste?

A. The timing of a standing ovation for any outward purpose, however worthy, is not within the bounds of good etiquette. But Benjamin Disraeli Sometimes allowed it as long as no crockery was broken and he was not in the room at the time. If through overexcitement or, worse, the persistence of officials, you have been so involved, my new book Enthusiasm and How to Avoid It will prove helpful. IDS himself has written the introduction.

David Laze

No. 2316: Yoof jargon

Our education authorities have apparently become increasingly concerned at the illiterate and slangy language used by pupils in their English essays. You are invited to provide an extract from an essay on a Shakespeare play by one such student (there is no need to misspell). Maximum 150 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 2316' by 13 November.