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COMPETITION

Spectator revived

Jaspistos

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IN COMPETITION NO. 1849 you were given the opening lines of Dr Johnson's The Vanity of Human Wishes — 'Let obser- vation with extensive view/Survey mankind, from China to Peru ... ' — and invited to add more Johnsonian lines describing the present state of the globe.

Yes, I misquoted: it's 'extensive', not `extended'. At school these lines were pointed out to me as a gross example of tautologous pomposity, but even then I regarded them, as I do now, as a lovely piece of orotund `verbijooce', to borrow George Ponderevo's coinage from Tono- Bungay. The view from the observation post was uniformly gloomy, the chief blot on the landscape being the Box, which does not, like the prospect of being hanged, `concentrate the mind wonderfully'. I didn't insist on an exact copy of the Johnsonian style, but I did demand a reflection of the Johnsonian spirit. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Gina Berkeley, on one of her rare appearances.

Behold the barren deserts of the East, Where Famine stalks the sand while Sultans The South, where starving serfs, through flood and drought, In hope of sons, will cast their daughters out! What though the West presumes with warlike words To save superfluous Cubans, Croats and Kurds?

Can all the crowded cities of the North, With licensed Vice, escape stern Nature's wrath?

Quake, Earth! Let each wronged Longitude proclaim That lawless Latitude must take the blame! When population has become too dense, It should regain a bottom of good sense; The body must be governed by the mind Ere Man can hope once more to love Mankind. (Gina Berkeley) Perusal widely cast reveals no dearth Of humankind abroad upon the earth; And hosts on vacuous visions fix their gaze; Exalted now the sham with specious praise. An author, archly coy, bows model head; The book by her, we learn, nor writ nor read. With sight beyond the scope of naked eye, A naked prince for gain men blindly spy. Others, while noxious vapours rise to pierce The firmament whence sunlight, thus made fierce, Consumes the pelt upon their mortal bones, Expatiate through mobile telephones, And while the blockheads, vain and babbling, walk, Beyond them War and Famine darkly stalk.

(Patrick Smith) Then mark how progress, trite or barbarous made, Kills each rare bloom, blots out each subtle shade.

Here colas brave the burning tropic sun, There frozen wastes receive the Big Mac bun.

No more lithe youth makes trial of strength and eye In varied sport beneath a varying sky; Black, white and yellow, shunning custom all, In nameless hordes pursue the grubby ball. See too the spectral priests of IBM, From Minsk to Maine, from Brisbane to Belem, Shift franc or yen with electronic stealth, Flick a false key and lose a city's wealth. Through all the earth promiscuous seed is cast, And Aids prepares a common grave at last.

(Chris Tingley) There Fashion's Idols daily strut and preen, There Taste recoils before the opiate Screen; Licentious Statesmen who, bereft of Shame, The Virtues of the Family oft proclaim In scourging Sin, enthroned in Pious Stall, Are yet to Sloth and Avarice in Thrall. There Prodigies of Wit Man may unearth, Devoted still to Schemes of trifling Worth. What though Invention probe the Ether's Space If 'gainst terrestrial Ills it turns its face?

Rich nations hold superfluous Food in Store, While Famine's Spectre stalks the Afric shore.

And they who at Heaven's Laws will nod and yawn On bloated Mammon then devoutly fawn.

(Watson Weeks)