12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

VITAS REG.44 12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY ININ In Competition No. 1640 you were in- vited to invent words which ought to but don't exist, accompanied by definitions and illustrative sentences.

Making no claim to enter the competi- tion, W. Frankland interestingly suggested that we should take over the Finnish word han, which means 'he or she', with of course hans for 'his or her'. None of you managed to score a maximum five neolog- isms, so I've chosen the winners eclectical- ly. Also the illustrative sentences didn't often add any spice (someone said they were pointless; perhaps it wasn't a clever idea), so I have only included them when they seemed particularly felicitous. Every item printed below earns the inventor a fiver, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky goes to R. C. Solomon, whose `descolation' struck a chord in my memory, for in 1947 I once put a prune into my mouth under the impression that it was a brussels sprout. Descolation: the sensation of drinking tea when one expects it to be coffee, or vice versa. 'When Samantha accepted my half-hearted proposal, I felt an acute sense of descolation.'

Streatham: a hairstyle in which an ineffectual attempt is made to hide baldness by trailing a few strands from the side across the pate. 'Without the nuclear deterrent, Nato forces in Europe would he no more than a streatham.'

(R. C. Solomon) Nagals: discarded toenail clippings. 'What are nagals doing in my library book?' Fill the gap

Jaspistos

Empode: an awkward pause in a conversation. 'When I told Herr Kohl that our informal discussion would be published in The Spectator, there was a long, terminal empode.'

(John O'Byrne)

Chronouble: to arrive for an engagement on the wrong date. 'I thought it a bit odd there were no other top hats around — I'd chronoubled the

Investiture.' (D. Shepherd)

Wakeham: a monetary expression falling just short of a bribe. 'Give us a wakeham, guy, and you can park it safe here all night.'

(Fergus Porter)

Autocanesis: the process by which dog-owners grow to look like their pets.

(A. D. Gibbons)

Hypervack: to exaggerate the blisses of a thor- oughly banal holiday from which one has just

returned. (Robin Ravensbourne)

Seamclone: one of a group of medium-pace bowlers identical in speed, action, effect and, often, personal appearance.

(Chris Tingley)

Anachronym: a name made up from the initial letters of a description that no longer applies.

(George MacDonald Ross)

Upvint: to inflate the pretensions of a wine with talk of lemon, blackcurrants, etc.

(Paul Griffin)

Squeader: the person on the Underground train who is reading your newspaper more successful- ly than you are.

(Bill Anderson)

Agstasy: The feeling you get when you're as far into your ear as you dare go with a handkerchief wrapped round a matchstick.

(Brian Stevens)

Fissorp: a term used for the technique required to remove guests who have overstayed their welcome (e.g. feigning death).

(Timothy Hughes)

Optibanterfrog: one who jumps from one diet to another in a vain attempt to lose weight.

(Ba Miller)

Trummer: the pseudo-name muttered when you have forgotten the name of the person you are trying to introduce.

(John E. Brown)

Gamewash: unnecessary commentary on TV or