Under-cover Work

A prize of £5 was offered for an extract from the adventures of one who was a Viewer for the 1TA, a Taxpayer for the Treasury, a Non-U for Nancy Mit ford, a Bright. Y01111,1; Thing for Evelyn Waugh, a Tory for Nye Bevan, a Teacher for Sir David Ecele.s. o Divorce Judge f‘or APH, or a Civil Servant for the Daily Express.

NON-U's (the funniest), Civil Servants. PRIZES

Tories and Teachers were definitely in the (H. A. C. EVANS)

majority, with a complete absence of Divorce Judges or Bright Young Things. A good time seemed to have been had by all, even by those who apparently missed the point and gave the impression of being genuine and convinced Viewers (J. A. Lindon, for instance) or Non-U's (such as Frances Collingwood). Marks were gained for the authentic atmosphere of tight-lipped tension as well as for being amusing.

R, Kennard Davis presented a suitably hard-faced Right-winger working for Nye: 'I spent my time hackin' and huntin'. I worked all my gees till they dropped. I loved animals, and was never happier than when killin' them. I worshipped the fox, so becomin' lower than vermin . . I ordered all my tenants to vote Tory, or leave my pigstyes. They voted Labour and left. So did I serve the Cause.'

Vera Telfer's account of her training as an Under-Cover Non-U was diverting: . Everything was done to help us learn this new and strange language: cards labelled Toilet. Cruet, Greens and Lady Dog were attached to the appropriate doors, containers, dishes and the dear little pekinese '-and so was Findlay P. Murdoch's 'No cocktails to relieve the strain of never being you, orto dull-the sensibility of the inner self when subjected to every teetotal outrage of non-U culinary nonconformity.'

I suggest that H. A. C. Evans receives a first prize of £2, with second prizes of £1 each to Peter Williams, A. M. Sayers and J. H. Honourably mentioned : Douglas Hawson, Vera Telfer, Findlay P. Murdoch, G. J. Blundell, A. W. Dicker, Peter Grant and D. John. I WAS A NON-U 'Serviettes,' he muttered, as he rang the hell He must watch his step. Last night had be.en too chancy for comfort. He could still see the look of, suspicion that had tlash,.(1 into Connie's eyes as he'd answered hzt with an austere 'Good-night.'

. Connie herself opened the door.

'Come into the lounge.' she said. 'Mum and Dad were ever so pleased you could conic. Mrs. Tompkins greeted him effusively.

'It's ever so nice to see you,' she cried

'Come and sit on the couch'.'

'Delighted, I'm sure,' he replied. 'And. it' I may make so bold, that's a very posh gown you're wearing.'

'Well, now,' said Mr. Tompkins, heartily, 'what about a spot, eh?'

'Cheerio,' cried Connie.

'Chin chin,' said Mrs. Tompkins.

'Mud in your eye,' said Mr. Tompkins.

He drew a deep breath, then, 'Down the flipping hatch,' he crowed triumphantly.

(PETER WILLIAMS)

I WAS A TORY FOR NYE BEVAN Mentally I check back : Blue Carnation, Old School Tie, Cigar. Everything. I knock on the door.

Immediately the zero in the house number swings back, revealing a spy-hole. A watery eye gives me the once-over. 'They' do things this way.

'Trafalgar,' I offer.

'Makarios,' it returns unflinchingly. This eye had guts.

I am led to a room. The lights are dim. In the background a piano chords softly, and I go to a place at a long table. Round it slump several figures.

I take in the hard-eyed faces, the narrow- shouldered suits, the sinister armpit bulges. I should have guessed-loaded wallets, Dry-mouthed I ball a copy of Tribune and thrust it inside my jacket. They must n guess I come 'unarmed.' I loosen my tape recorder in its holster. white collar glints wickedly in the candlel1211 So these are, the 'Guys'?

(A. M. SAYERS)

NON-U. FOR NANCY MITFORD

It was in June, 1953, that I was insti/0'i to investigate Lady X. In the role of connected but unconventional hostess I ILI' t; suspicions with impeccable credentials as relatives, houses, horses, yachts, etc. Howq in spite of all efforts to beguile her, definitely rejected mantelpiece, denture, cY greens and serviette. But on June 30 at 4 Pi:.b tea I caught her out in flagrant MIE.' j' cursecomplete instantly reported to GHQ course complete ostracism followed; Wretc,b! onian! I am often filled with remorse 0."` I think of her kindness to me. Did she e UtleNS the identity of her betrayer?

* Milk in first.

(J, 0.)

A Civil: SERVANT FOR THE 'DAILY EXPOS!, . . . Immersed in the file. I had forgot :1i' to watch the clock. Registry was nov,c1„,',10 and, for a minute, panic seized me. ►`` Up not return the file and retrieve the rec,:l which, unlike a secret agent or true Servant, 1 had foolishly given. Were it traod to me I should be in the glasshouse • • :of had I not recently come from one? But 01 was still a chancel Registry might be "rklA late behind closed doors. With all desPaN. I telephoned that I had passed the file to Buck. He, of .course, would pass it to Limbo, from whom it could never be P!*1,1 loose. I was safe. Like a beaver in a bra o .,pd had dammed the current of circulation formed a pool in which my employers c:ftof fish to their hearts' content and the bole

their own circulation. "'