Low life
Queer Street
Jeffrey Bernard
Homosexual, poof, queer, gay? I was brought up to use the word queer. And queers aren't what they used to be.1 was discussing sex as usual with Francis Bacon in the Colony Room Club the other afternoon and we both came to the condo' sion that the decline in the quality of homosexuals dates from the time that gay became their title. What a silly word! Speaking as an obsessional heterosexual I'm very gay usually after four or five large ones but most of the poofs I know seem to be fairly gloomy about their condition. Years ago I used to put the gloom down to the fact that they mostly had to pay for their sex games when it was against the law, but now that homosexuality is practically de rigueur that can no longer be the case. AIDS must be a tiny bit worrying of course but it all ends in death anyway. When the talk gets around to sex, which as I say it In' evitably does, Francis is fond of verbally chastising me by reminding me that I used 'to lead poofs up the garden path'. Well I did but I can't feel guilty about it. When I was a teenager with the delinquent looks that queers fancied so much, they only ever fell for, bought drinks and meals for, and Have money to 'normal' boys. That was their hang up, not mine. But I must say I'm extremely grateful to the gentlemen who gave me handouts in those days. But I did have some strange times. John Minton took me to France, Spain, Majorca and Ibiza when I was 17 and it was pretty appalling really. There was a tremendous amount of sulking on his part because I wouldn't have sex with him and on my part because I couldn't screw the entire female DoPulation of the world, which is, oddly enough, what boys aged 17 want to do. When he lived in Hamilton Terrace he ac- tually made me a weekly allowance of £3 10s: ten bob a day. A kept poodle. My sulks stopped in Paris on the way home when for a few days he gave me 500 franc notes to pop upstairs in a cafe called Ambiance to have short times with a girl called Mimi. 'yen that came to an end due to my in- troduction to Pernod.
One of the strangest queers who took a shine to me was a film producer who'd been a naval officer in the war. During the action tri Which the Bismarck was sunk he picked 111) survivors from that ship. He claimed that as the German sailors climbed up the rope ladders he'd pulled the handsome ones up and pushed the ugly ones back into the water saying, 'Not you dear.' Then there was the extraordinary man who was a pro- fessional bridge player and who played for cngland. He used to take me to a Marvellous old restaurant in Frith Street almost every day for lunch — creme des legumes, escalope of veal, a glass of red vvIne: 3/6d — and he used to let me take girls back to his flat, which was pretty nasty °.1. me. On second thoughts, he probably
liked the idea.
But, as I was saying, there has been a decline in the quality of queers and it may not have been since the word gay was coin- ed,• it may have started with it being made °gay in the eyes of the law. I'd quite like to Isee a law introduced making fornication il- legal. It might bring some spice back to sex and make all those lunches preparatory to the afternoon legover seem worthwhile and value for money. As it is I haven't noticed duch change in women since they've discovered they're equal. The ony woman who ever takes me to lunch is my ex-wife and I suspect that's purely because she's defused me and rendered me harmless. Which brings me to another point. At 1Ust what age do women become equal? I've noticed that women under 30 hardly ever buy a round of drinks. Mind you, young men are pretty callow too in pub etiquette. Worst of all is the animal called student. I really don't know what should be done about these people. When someone tells me that they are reading English at Oxford at Public expense — I wonder why on earth they can't read English in the kitchen at home I didn't get where I am today by go- t118 to Ballot and I can't think of a better elnace to study politics, philosophy and ‘eonomics than in the Coach and Horses. 'Norman is a gas on economics. The place
oozes philosophers and we have mathema- ticians who can work out place bet yankees in seconds. As for the afore- mentioned business of gays, we haven't got any. All we've got is the next best thing. Danny La Rue is a customer.
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