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Bananas

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1843 you were invited to provide a lyric in the 'banana' genre — a fruit which has often featured in popular songs.

In 1926 there were two bananoid lyrics, `Buy Bananas' and 'I've Never Seen A Straight Banana'. Ten years later I can remember Billy Cotton, Henry Hall and Joe Loss all belting out 'I like bananas because they have no bones'. Do today's winners break over half a century of silence? Thank you, David Heaton, for the story Lord Egremont told about his grand- father at Petworth who, irritated by a guest who had remarked that nobody really knew how good a banana could be unless he had tasted one straight off the tree, spent £3,000 on erecting a special greenhouse and getting his head gardener to go to Kew for instruction in banana-rearing. Eventually 'the banana was brought in on a lordly dish. My grandfather peeled it with a golden knife. He then cut a sliver off and, with a golden fork, put it in his mouth and carefully tasted it, Whereupon he flung dish, plate, knife, fork and banana on to the floor and shouted, "Oh God, it tastes just like any other damned banana!" ' The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to G.S. Wright, whose entry should be sung to the tune of 'The Wearing Of The Green'.

Oh, the word has come from Brussels, all bananas must be straight -

They've brought a new directive out and pinned it on the gate.

The feeling was unanimous, this crookedness must end: In our European Market the banana shall not bend!

When I told our bus conductor, he let fall a fearful oath, And he said, 'A straight banana is a fascist kind of growth.

It simply isn't cricket, man — just under- handed stealth Intended to destabilise the British Commonwealth.'

But the Queen, she opened Parliament, magnificent in state, And she said, 'This is Great Britain, and we know what made it great.

Seal up the Channel Tunnel, John, and tell the Continent They can keep their straight bananas. Over here, we like them bent.' (G.S. Wright) Banana Calypso When you sail on a banana boat You have to eat bananas just to stay afloat, Don't ask me why, it's just the way.

You have to eat bananas every day.

I said to the Captain, 'May I eat a pear?' He fixed me there and then with a terrible stare. He said, 'On this boat 1 have the final say. And 1 say, Eat bananas every day.'

I sailed the seven seas for seventeen years, And I tell you now I did shed some tears, But in all that time I did as the Captain say And ate those bananas every day.

Now I no longer sail on a banana boat.

I don't eat bananas just to stay afloat.

But perhaps the reason why I'm old and grey Is because I don't eat bananas every day.

(Mark Ambrose) Give me a banana, I like its sexy shape.

Play the old joanna, Forget your plum and grape: Their juice may soothe and sweeten, They don't inspire my song, They're round and quickly eaten - I like my pleasures long. Give me a banana, I love its sticky feel, The taste to me is manna Beneath its yellow peel.

Its soft pulp will remind me Of flesh between my lips: I'll throw the skin behind me And hope that someone slips! (Alanna Blake) Some are rude with gestures lewd About their comic shape, And some conclude they're just a food For marmoset or ape.

But others, graced with finer taste, Enjoy this luscious fruit, So neatly cased, so free from waste, And maggotless to boot.

No stone or pip can ever slip Down an unwary throat; No juice can drip to chin from lip And trickle down one's coat.

Chopped into dice with pears and ice They make a lovely dish; They're also nice with cream and rice, Or just plain, if you wish. (0. Smith)