Naughty Resolutions

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 307 Report by A.M.O.S.

A prize of LS was offered to competitors to indulge their lower natures with a set of six naughty resolutions which they would like to make if conscience could be persuaded to take a holiday.

WHo would have thought so many com- petitors had so much wickedness in them? That was the trouble with too many : their bad resolutions were too wholehearted, instead of being merely naughty. Rhymed couplets were the rule, prose the exception. Daniel Cambridge would 'take .a sidelong look at George's hand at Bridge'; S. T. Valley would 'call Sir Thomas Beecham "Tom" (from a safe distance) at a Prom'; E. A. Payne would 'post Country letters in the slit that's labelled Town'; and so on. Competent prize-worthy entries were sent by E. D. M. Simpson, J. M. Rae, E. E. Calder, Joy Rudd, A. H. Cooper, Geoffrey Childs, Pibwob, G. J. Blundell, Angela Kent, H. A. C. Evans, Vera Telfer, Heather Vineham, C. Kittiwake, J. O'Dwyer, F. Collingwood, 'Roff,' Jebronius, Granville Garley, Irene Poulton, Leslie Johnson. A. M. Crowden, Eileen Tulloch and V. R. Ormerod, as well as those mentioned above. Prizes of £1 each are awarded to Valdor, P.M., Alan Simpson, R. Kennard Davis and 'Vera Mouse.' (Vera's entry, however, is a little too badly spelled, surely, even for Form Mb 1) SOS. Could some competitors take a little more care to make their truly terrible handwriting more legible, if not more beautiful?

PRIZES (vAmort.)

Throughout the year I will indulge A growing equatorial bulge. Whoever stands in bus or train, Once seated, seated I'll remain. Consistently inconstant reader, I'll skip the fourth, nay every, leader.

I'll lie abed (as now) till nine, But of set purpose and design.

Contrariwise, I'll keep the light On, reading thrillers half the night.

And finally, if so I choose. I'll go to work in dirty shoes, (P. M.) My New Year Resolutions go dancing through my head : I'll never mend my nylons, but buy new ones instead; I won't collect on flag-days, however sad the cause; give up stopping smoking, good works, and my in-laws; I will not try new recipes—bortsch, gnocchi or goulash, But give the family simple food, stew, sausage. mince and hash; I will not keep accounts again—it lowers the morale, Or ever do spring-cleaning, or be house-proud at all; And oh, when water's really short I'll Oil my bath a-brim And splash and sing and wallow, and not wipe off the rim!

(ALAN SIMPSON)

To eat my good rich gravy with The...spoon reserved for pudding; To prune the roses in July Long after they are budding; To pay my children's school fees when The term is nearly over; To let the lovely new-laid lawn Get riddled through with clover; To.come in from the garden with My boots all caked and muddy; And always when the parson calls To say to him, 'How bloody'!

(a. KENNARD DAVIS)

I mean to lead an idle and disreputable life. Leaving all domestic worries to a much-endur- ing wife. •

1 mean to eat and drink henceforth whatever I've a mind to, And to get up in the morning just whenever I'm inclined to.

I mean to smoke incessant pipes (I never could resist 'em) Until the fragrant nicotine's pervaded all my system.

I mean to fling away from me all serious ambitions, And expend my ample leisure on Spectator Competitions.

I mean to shed my kisses, like a chartered libertine, On Jennifer and Cynthia. Veronica and Jean.

In short, I mean to carry on precisely as at present, And hope the ultimate results will not be too unpleasant!

('VERA MOUSE') Six NUAGHTY REZOLUSSFIUNS By BILLY BROWN, FORM 111B

wot a wizerd idear!

I rezolve--- 1 to bust my munnybox and cash my beestli sayvingstamps and spend all the lolly on a spasesiut.

2. to hay a go with dads blolamp wile mum is owt. I bet i cood do it okay, 3, to maik a stink bom and let it of in the frensh clan.

4. to talk my cattypult to chior and has a shot at siant jhons haylo in the eest winch) wile rekter is preeching 5. to bash joans miner.

6. to send a boks of choclats fild with musterd to the editer if i dont get a prise for this.