Dark Ages at Eight

COMPETITION No. 433: Report by Eric Wagstaff.

Competitors were asked to supply an extract from a television interview with Hannibal, Attila, the lady of the house where King Alfred burnt the cakes, William the Conqueror, Sir Francis Drake or Napoleon.

ON the basis, presumably, of current programmes, many competitors took it for granted that the interviewer does nearly all the talking (though R. K. Davis's lady found her tongue to such effect that she had to be hurriedly faded out). The best entries did not, however, follow this style (tele- vision interviewers please note).

King Alfred and the cakes proved to be by far the most popular item, accounting for about half the entries. Hannibal was a good second, with all the rest far behind. The cakes provided a good op- portunity for sponsored programmes. They would not have been burnt if the lady had used 'Non- scorch Barley-Mix' supplied by the makers of those miraculous `Athelney ovens' (A. V. Oakley). English animal-lovers overwhelmed Hannibal with letters protesting against exploitation of our four-footed friends, and Attila claimed that his victories were those of a 'free proletarian democracy over the effete capitalist-imperialist Western bourgeois regime' (R. K. Davis). Prizes are awarded to J. A. Lindon (three guineas), Russell Edwards (two guineas), and D. R. Peddy (one guinea). Runners-up were J. E. Cherry, C. R. McRae, Cinna, Granville Garley and Guy Hadley.

PRIZES

ATTILA (J. A. LINDON)

INTERVIEWER: Now see here, Attaboy old Hun, I'm not denying you're a bigshot, you're a great guy. But whydncha finish the job? Dames for the spreading, loot for the taking, plenny o' fuel for the old tinderbox, squealers to poke the iron through, it seems such a waste.

ArrILA : It vos dot ol' guy. He skeered me.

INTERVIEWER: What, old Leo? Well, for- ArritA : I ain't skeered o' nobody, see? (Looking fearfully round.) But dot or guy udda put a blight on me. Course I could've had him boiled, I could've had him skithered, I could've strung him ugly. But dot vouldn't cure a blight, see? I gotta live, ain't I? INTERVIEWER: Well for— You mean you're sooperstitious? ATTILA : Sooperstition nuthen! It's vot de stars fore- tell. You can't go agen de Veekly Vandal, mate! INTERVIEWER: Well, for— Ju do the crawsword?

NEW LIGHT ON THE DARK AGES (RUSSELL EDWARDS)

THE LADY: . . . I knew him all right from his picture in Ceorl's Own, but of course I didn't let on. SIR RICHARD DIMPLY: I suppose he was every inch a

king, even in serf's clothes, Mrs. Smith?

THE LADY: Oh, no; he reminded me of my Auntie Olwen, what's living in Strathclyde now—you know, rather hairy. And very homely; picking his teeth with his scramasax and all that. Of course, I slipped into my best camise and put on the fibula Cousin Chad left me.

Sitt RICHARD: But according to the Chronicle you `dealt the king a mighty buffet about the chops.' Wasn't that rather disrespectful?

THE LADY: Well, i treated him just like my old man, And he didn't mind; he thanked me for the mead and said he'd see what he could do about having my Effielfreda presented. Perfect gentle- man, really. . . .

MRS. AETKINS AND KING ALFRED (D. R. PEDDY) INTERVIEWER: And it was in this very kitchen, Mrs. Adtkins, that His Majesty . . .

Mits. AtriciNs: Arrrrrh! That be a gormless . . . 1.: Er, yes, Mrs. Aetkins, but tell me, do you find

catering more difficult in wartime, with food regulations?

Mits. A.: Bain't what you call aisy, and bain't made any simpler when dim-witted, thick-skulled . . . I.: Quite so, Mrs. Aetkins. , . . Tell me, are you

sanguine of final victory?

MRS. A.: Well, sir, the way 1 sees it, either we shall beat they Danes, or . . .

I.: Mr. Aetkins is, of course, fighting for freedom? MRS. A.: Urrrrrh, an' wot 'e ses about that . . . I.: Ah, the Sergeant, no doubt?

Mits. A.: No, that thur lame-brained addle-pated

Ael- I.: Ahem—and does he miss your home-cooking,

Mrs. Adtkins?

Mits. A.: Arrrrrh! They doesn't bake with sizz, same as I does.

(Here occurs natural break, with chorus: Sizz for breakfast, Frying bacon!

Sizz whenever

Cakes you're makin'!

Sending Danes about their biz, Keep the Home Front fed with Sizz!)