COMPETITION
No. 610: Morgenblitter
Competitors are invited to submit a piece of verse (limit fourteen lines), subject: 'On Being Without Newspapers'. Entries, marked 'Competition No. 610', by 3 July.
No. 607: The winners
Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked for a post-election address by either a successful or an unsuccessful candidate—and may now like to read the whole of the ex- ample quoted: "Gentlemen, I received yours and am surprised at your insolence in troub- ling me about the Excise. You know what I very well know, that I bought you, and by God I am determined to sell you. And I know, what perhaps you think I may not know, you are now selling yourselves to somebody else. And I know what you do not know, that I am buying another borough. May God's curse light on you all. May your houses be as open and common to all Excise Officers as your wives and daughters were to me when I stood for your rascally Corpora- tion. Yours, Antony Henley.'
A good entry, with quite a number whose minds ran along the same track as to what constitutes the ultimate insult. But there was a reasonable range in treatment, neverthe- less; picking the winners was not easy, and the commended entries—from Jonathan Seer, Malcolm Downing, W. F. N. Watson, Tim O'Dowda, Rufus Stone and Joe Brown —were good enough to win in other weeks.
These winners receive three guineas each: The Member for . . . presents his compli- ments and congratulates his constituents on returning him to his rightful place at West- minster. Knowing him as a man of action rather than words they will not expeot to read of his speaking frequently in the House. Moreover, he will be obliged not to be dis- tracted from his many important business interests by trivial personal problems that are more properly the concern of the parson, the probation officer, or officials of local charities. He hopes, however, to accept a limited number of invitations to attend as guest of honour at receptions, dinners, hunt balls, etc.
George Prescot
Now it's over, I find consolation in defeat. No more shaking sweaty hands or kissing smelly brats. I can't of course repay the jostlings and missiles, but so help me I can return some of the insults. I doubt if stupider or more unprepossessing voters can be found, but fortunately your women are slightly less repulsive. You've often invited me to get stuffed, so it gives me keen satis- faction to relate how many of the less un- washed of your wives and daughters have, during the campaign, assisted myself or my indefatigable aides to the reprisal most appropriate ...
C. L. Bundela Now that God and the electors of Huyton have spoken I thank God for my glorious victory. Now I can reveal frankly and fear- lessly the truth—that I intend to carry through, without fear or favour, all my election promises. I imagine that had you thought any politician actually intended to do this you would never elect him. But there it is. I shall be moving up to either Heaven or the House of Lords before next time when I shall welcome a Tory victory since
I don't wish any of my lousy so-called friends to succeed me as PM.
M. K. Cheeseman Far be it from me to cry sour grapes, but honestly I wish my successful opponent joy: joy of your silly faces, political immaturity and appalling taste: joy of your mindless chanting, rv-slogan-dominated opinions and cliché-ridden backchat. I wish him joy of your petty local problems, regional accents and selfish parochialism; of your intermin- able industrial disputes and obstinately childish labour relations. In short, as you have often said to me, Get Stuffed! And I call upon the other unsuccessful candidates in this four-cornered shambles to accompany me: Altogether, gentlemen: 'Voters—our Voters—our! Voters . .
William Hodson Right, mates. I've 'ad these loads of letters, requests an' phone calls, me an' me missis an' all, all about taxes an' fares, an' pen- sions, an' the Common Market an' immigra- tion an' angin' an' cost of livin'. Do this, stop that, fix everythink. Now see 'ere, then, brothers: what you think I been to all this trouble an' expense for? For you an' your troubles? You mus' be jokin'. Jus' when I got meself somewhere, with a real chance to do meself some good, and get on, you want me to muck about with your troubles?
K. S. Lightfoot The Member for Belfry thanks the Electors of that most august of Constituencies for again returning him to the House of Com- mons. Unhappily, his health has, owing to the unwonted rigour of the campaign, so far collapsed as to make it obligatory for him to undertake a prolonged convalescent cruise. Mail will not, on medical advrce, be for- warded. However, he hopes to return to England shortly before the dissolution of the newly-elected Parliament and trusts then to resume that relationship with his Con- stituents whose cordiality has ever proved the acutest of consolations for the otherwise insupportable burdens of public life.
Ian Kelso
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