COMPETITION

Duet

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1574 you were asked for a song to be sung by any couple who are household names.

Some of you kindly specified the tune, and two of you, even more kindly, pro- vided the score. Gilbert and George sang to 'I'm forever blowing bubbles', Liszt and Brahms to 'How sweet the name of Jesus sounds', Hengist and Horsa to —I'm Flotsam" "I'm Jetsam" '. Rattling good numbers came from the Kray twins, Castor and Pollux, Jack and Jill, Bryant and May, Mills and Boon, Rosencrantz and Guil- dernstern, and Liddell and Scott, the last inspired no doubt by the charming duet Thomas Hardy has them sing 'on the completion of their lexicon' (a poem mys- teriously omitted from the 480-page Ox- ford selection of Hardy's verse).

Thanks for a bumper entry. The winners printed below get £18 each, and the bonus bottle of Rioja Gran Zaco Reserva, pre- sented by Becket Drake Ferrier Moseley, 57-59 Neal St, London WC2, goes to Noel Petty.

Two falsely branded men you see before you, Who never would their Christian duty shirk.

— It was scientific work, Mr Hare. — It really isn't fair, Mr Burke.

The lodgers that we helped along were loners, And far more use as medical supplies. To them a peaceful death came as a bonus, And every one died sozzled to the eyes.

For each of these our transitory neighbours Research has saved a hundred more, we'd claim; And if we took some money for our labours, We needed it to fund our noble aim.

Posterity, however, has maligned us: An FRS at least we ought to share.

— It really isn't fair, Mr Burke.

— It was scientific work, Mr Hare.

(Noel Petty) `Oh, Mr G' — 'Well, Mr S' - `Here's a song for us to offer to the press.'

`Oh, Mr S' — `Sure, Mr G' - `I don't suppose they thought they'd live to see Both G and S, and S and G, Performing in such perfect harmony; Sir William G, Sir Arthur S, Indulging in a sing-along, no less.'

`So, William G, do you agree That my music has been judged extremely fine?'

`Why, Arthur S, the answer's yes,

But it rather needs such clever words as mine.

`Then you and me, as S and G, Is a partnership that sounds exactly right?'

`No, G and S — then our success Will long outlast this harmony tonight.' (David Heaton)

Albert: When it comes to haute cuisine, my competitors turn green

As they contemplate my culinary skill; If they swoon at Le Gavroche eating exquisite brioches, Then they swoon again when I present the bill.

Both: Our TV coup came right on cue;

We'll be knighted by the Queen, bien entendu;

For our coffee-table book will teach the English how to cook Anything from lime soufflé to a ragoat.

Michel: The Waterside at Bray, as my customers all say, Is a restaurant that God himself has blessed; For my escalope of veal is cooked with missionary zeal (And un tres petit morceau of lemon zest).

Both: We're both true blue, we're premier cru For we know a sausage roll from pate a choux; And though our accent's vile, we pronounce the words with style, For we're Albert and Michel, the brothers Roux. (Watson Weeks) Garden Song of Laurel and Hardy 011ie: The elephant who gardens Has no need of a hose.

He stands and squirts the water By action of his nose (that's labour-saving).

Stan: But there are spines on roses, And a man may tread on rakes, And hoses that are handled Can suddenly turn snakes (that's very sad).

011ie: Some of us have green fingers, And how the plants respond! I may say of bananas That I am very fond (that's touching).

Stan: A flower is not simple, But rife with tragedy, For when you smell its sweetness You're bothered by a bee (that's unfortunate). (George Moor)