If symptoms

persist.. .

WRONGDOERS and lawbreakers used to seek sanctuary in the church; nowa- days they seek it in the hospital. It isn't only the police they wish to avoid: it is each other. And not surprisingly, for patients of a feather flock together.

A young man took an overdose last week and then, immediately upon his discharge from hospital (without having told us why he took the overdose, indeed he got quite shirty when we asked), took another. This time I insisted on having an explanation, which he kindly consent- ed to give me.

He had heard that a local gang was out to get him. As the gang included a man who was at that very moment sought by the police for a murder which he had undoubtedly committed, my patient's anxiety was, as a psychoanalyst would put it, understandable.

`And why does the gang want to get you?' I asked.

`Because my sister keeps telling them that I go round calling them black cunts.'

What? In the multicultural, multiracial Britain of the late-20th century? When — as the Translylvanian peasants asked about the activities of Count Dracula shall we be free of this evil?

`And I never even called them bas- tards black cunts.'

`Then why did your sister say that you did?' `She can't stand me.' And I have to admit that, superficially at least, he was not an attractive personality. 'She wants me out of the way,' I admired her brilliant scheme to rid herself of her brother, though I refrained from expressing my admiration to him.

`She's only my half-sister, like.'

`Which half?'

`You what?'

`Do you have the same mother or the same father?'

`I don'f know.'

Fortunately it was lunch-time, which brought my investigations of the mating habits of the English- to a close. I had to attend an important meeting with the managers.

`It has come to my notice,' said the Deputy Director of Patient Services (whatever they may be), 'that there have been four fires on the wards in the last three weeks. They were started by pitients smoking in bed. Eighty per cent of fire deaths in this country are caused by people who smoke in bed. The situa- tion is even more dangerous now than it used to be since . . . ' He paused for a moment, to consider whether it was wise to continue, . . since the installation of the fire doors in the corridors.'

It is true that they are rather stiff and might pose a problem to someone with, say, a stroke or pneumonia.

`We must do something about it.' `Asbestos sheets,' I muttered.

`Sprinkler systems over the beds,' sug- gested my colleague to my left. 'Activat- ed by cigarette smoke.'

`Unfortunately, our patients are not always co-operative or understanding. Indeed, when asked to stop smoking in bed, they often become abusive or threatening. There have been two assaults on the nurses when they were asked to extinguish their cigarettes or go outside to smoke.'

It was then that the solution occurred to me in a flash. Let the punishment fit the crime: an auto-da-fe in front of the hospital. As a fund-raising event it could hardly be bettered: the British have always been rather keen on public execu- tions.

`I have appointed a subcommittee,' said the Deputy Director of Patient Ser- vices, interrupting my reverie, 'and asked them to produce a Draft Arson Policy by next week.'

Theodore Dalrymple