COMPETITION
Ig Nobel
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 1805 you were introduced to the Ig Nobel Prizes (named after Alfred's fictitious brother Ig) annual- ly awarded in Boston 'for achievements which cannot — and should not — be reproduced' and invited to supply an ex- tract from the award-winning speech de- scribing the 'achievement' being honoured.
This year's Ig Nobel for medicine went to James F. Nolan, Thomas J. Stilwell and John P. Sands Junior for the trio's 'pains- taking' research report 'Acute Manage- ment of the Zipper-Entrapped Penis', while the chemistry prize was awarded to two pioneers, 'dedicated deliverers of fragrance', who invented scent strips to apply perfume to magazine pages. Dr Robert Faid of Greenville, South Carolina, an expert in 'Biblical numerics', summed up the achievement which brought him the mathematics prize: 'I am surprised that people would make a joke of it. I have shown from the history of the "kings"
MMONDS.
(general secretaries) in the Soviet Union and from the Book of Revelations that there is an 860,609,175,188,282,100 to one chance that Gorbachev is the Antichrist.'
The prizewinners, printed below, re- ceive £20 cash, and the bonus bottle of Drummond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky goes to John Sweetman.
In commending Professor Raine for service to the science of climatology the Committee wish to praise especially the enormous amount of detailed study he has undertaken and his tireless dedication. An analysis of twenty years of short-term weather forecasting compared with
actual figures for precipitation, temperature, Pressure and twenty other parameters as subse- quently measured has occupied all of the Profes- sor's leisure hours for two decades, and from this he has produced an irrefutable conclusion that will give great pleasure and satisfaction to weather forecasters worldwide. It has long been the contention of the man in the street that weather forecasts are more often wrong than right. Professor Raine has proved, beyond any shadow of doubt, that the converse is true. That the balance in favour is a mere 0.1 per cent cannot detract from this achievement.
(John Sweetman) Moreover, in awarding the Ig Nobel Prize for Medicine to Dr Wolfgang Zimmerhausen, the Committee recognises that his development of a vaccine which prevents ailments as diverse as ME, common colds, backache and biliousness has been met with utter horror not only by those for whom these conditions have been a welcome exemption for avoiding unwelcome appoint- ments, but by seventy thousand orange badge holders in the British Isles.
The conquest of debilitating diseases is a noble and worthwhile goal. Mankind owes a great debt to those dedicated men in white coats who have eradicated polio and tuberculosis in the West. What we don't need, however, is a cure for the repertoire of undetectable sick- nesses that have saved millions from charity whist drives, bridge evenings and the rigours of mandatory dinner parties. Unfortunately, our winner cannot be here this evening as he is indisposed.
Get well soon, Doc. Enjoy the match. (David Griffin) The Award for Scientific Contribution to Inter- national Candour must surely go to Dr William Prout for his invention of Transtel. This device, of which the prototype has been tested in arenas as diverse as the United Nations and the Annual Kerry Horse Fair, will soon, in mass production, be of universal application and inestimable significance. Easily portable and unobtrusive in use, it simultaneously reads and translates, into the user's preferred tongue, the thoughts of anyone onto whose wavelengths it is locked. Already programmed for the major European languages and American English, the Transters effect on international understanding and domestic affairs will be on a scale to defy comparison with earlier inventions: the wheel, perhaps; or aspirin.
As a modest personal tribute to its versatility, I should like to draw this Committee's attention to the fact that I am myself wearing a Transtel, at
this moment. (Alyson Nikiteas)
It is one thing to smash a taboo, but to break one into smithereens in such a manner as to tempt the taboo back into existence is a feat unworthy of anyone. This year we award the Ig Nobel prize for indecency to Lars Mori, for his much-remarked television sketches and adver- tisements which feature — with arty chutzpah, against the participants' wills — the plight of the terminally ill. The Open Hospice movement inspired by Mr Mori has generated worldwide concern, while garnering thousands of sales of garments (Dead Beats') with which the award- winner is associated. His slogans — 'The Last Rights', 'Graven Images', Die Is Cast' and 'Sick Transit' — appear on hoardings across the globe. They have created international interest in medically assisted expiry. The festival 'Death By Hanging On', which Mr Mori organised this year, touched new depths of tastelessness. Nev- er have people been so indignant about
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