Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater Sunday Bonjour, mes amis! Am in Paris for Compassionate Conservative hen weekend! All the girls from the office are here giving Abby from Dave's team a Right-Of-CentreYet-Modern send-off. Staying in what Poppy describes as a dump, but is actually a boho chic boutique hotel (I checked the brochure). We were going to stay at a place called the George but it flooded, or something. Every time we drive down the Champs Elysees everyone sighs, and says, Ah, the George sank'. V odd. Also, what is `Urmeez' — and what does it have to do with scarves?
Anyway, big party tonight. We are dressing up as blue bunny girls and going to a bar where there are lots of rugby fans. Dave's sent a telegram which I'm going to read out. It says: 'About time you got hitched. Tax cut in post. The rest of you girls better get a move on or you'll be old spinsters. Dave. PS Did you send my purple tie to the cleaners? I can't find it.' He is amazing.
Monday Can't remember anything. Woke up at Waterloo Eurostar with my bags. Tail to bunny costume missing. Saw papers showing sevenpoint Tory lead and panicked. Thought had been force-fed hallucinogenic drugs.
Went straight into office but not in ideal state to help with meeting between Dave and Mrs T. Was already a nightmare. Mr Hague only managed to get her there by promising he was still leader of the party. Dave not pleased about making tea and pretending to be Mr Hague's judo partner.
Was so awkward — think it might have helped things when I tripped on the TV wires and fell over. She was so nice about it: 'Good morning, dear. You may get up now.' Will tell grandchildren one day!
Tuesday V stern memo from Jed. We are to drop everything and find heartbreaking examples of British Poverty. Sounds a bit depressing to me. Ho hum. Better get down to it I suppose....
This Nick Clegg is v dishy. Been looking at his website. He reminds me of someone. Oh dear. It's happening again. It took me ages to crack the Miliband obsession. If anything, the Cleggster is better-looking. He's got boy-nextdoor appeal. And he sounds normal. He's got the common touch. He's young, vibrant, energetic, handsome. Gah! Make it stop!!
Wednesday Where is all the hardship?! If I don't find a desperate family willing to be photographed in their cramped council house soon am going to miss all my poverty targets. Wonky Tom also struggling. Says it's not our fault. The problem is ten years of a Labour government pouring money into the welfare system. I found a family in Kirldees who can't afford a plasma screen TV but Jed says he wants 'damp walls, unemployment, hard drugs and hopelessness'. We've got till 9 a.m. tomorrow. Looks like we're going to be here all night.
Thursday Nothing. Not a single family willing to parade their desperation. Do they not know we're trying to mend the Broken Society? Talk about ingratitude.
In the middle of it all Bev from Labour rang to say it's all over at her place, and are there any jobs going here? Ha! Told her that's what happens to nasty people who steal policies. Tom said I should have told Jed, but I don't like to bother him with such a small thing. Am off to the newly refurbished Tranquillity Room 2 to play the 'Discover Your Inner Headbanger' hypnosis CD.
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