A fool and his money

Chairmen in danger

Bernard Hollowood

Board Meeting of the Snacker and Diplocket Small Things Co (1928) Ltd. Present: Ephraim Diplocket, Lord Billican, Brigadier Slough (ret'd), Wallace H. Carfax MA, CIS, FCA, William Snacker Junior and Sir Gatesby Lorrimer.

The minutes of the last meeting were read and approved.

Item one on the agenda was a pay claim for £10 per week from the • members of the AGEU. The managing director reported that the workers had spurned an offer of £6 per week and had threatened strike action within fourteen days unless their claim was approved. Mr Carfax said that a strike would be ruinous. The company was already ten months late with deliveries of thimbles to Pakistan and eighteen months late with a contract for 200,000 hub-caps for Spain. "We can't afford a strike," he said, "so I recommended that we pay up."

Lord Billican: "You realise, I suppose, that payment of £10 per week would contravene the Government's decision on wage increases?"

Mt Carfax: "I do, but we either pay up or fold up."

The Chairman, Ephraim Diplocket: "Since I'm the one who would take the rap I think my word should count for something. The Government's quite specific on the matter: in case of a company's intransigence it is the chairman who is held responsible. And it's quite possible I should go to gaol."

Lord Billican: "Ah, the union's thought of that possibility, and I've been asked to tell you that if the pay award is granted, the AGEU will feel honour bound to bail you out and pay any fine and costs. I think that's pretty decent of them."

Diplocket: "Very magnanimous! But I am not having any. The Government is bound to make an example of the first chairman who offends and, frankly, I don't much fancy a year or two behind bars."

Lord Billican: "Well now, the union thought you might be uncooperative — no offence, of course — and has other plans to help out. They say that they'll strike if necessary to prevent your going to gaol! How's that?"

Carfax: "Useless. We should be as badly off as before. If they're going to strike, let 'em strike because they're not getting their £10."

Sir Gatesby Lorrimer: "I agree with Carfax. We can't afford a strike and if someone has to go to gaol we ought to make it worth his while. Couldn't we elect a new chairman, a person in need of, say, £50,000 who wouldn't mind a year behind bars. How about you, Willie?"

William Snacker: "That's what you think of me, is it? Just because 1 like a flutter on the ponies and happen to have had a bit of bad luck! I'm certainly in need of £50,000, but 1 value my freedom more highly than that. Sorry."

Lorrimer: "Would it make any difference if we upped it to £70,000? 1 mean, think of Pamela and your son. What are the fees at Charterhouse now?"

Diplocket: "Here, wait a minute! I'm chairman of this company and I'll resign when and only when I feel I'm not up to the job. Personally, I'm against paying the blighters a penny more than £6. Indeed, I'd offer them three and let them explode."

Carfax: "I propose that the matter be held over for another week. We're clearly not going to reach agreement now in this matter."

The chairman said he thought it advisable to leave the negotiations for the time being in the hands of the managing director. Item two on the agenda, he said, concerned directors' fees.

Brigadier Slough: "Thank you, Mr Chairman. I wanted this matter raised because I think we all feel that the report on MPs' pay provides a sort of loophole. Like those of Members of Parliament our honoraria have remained static for quite a long time. For nearly a year, I believe, and I don't mind admitting that I'm finding it pretty difficult to make ends meet on my £5,000."

Lorrimer: "Plus your £10,000 from OPK Multinational, your £6,000 from Inland Grain and your whatever it is you get from Beaverstone Unit Trusts."

Slough: "Oho, we do keep our -eyes open, don't we! Yes, what I'm saying is that I think we deserve an increase in fees. How do we stand on that, Mr Chairman?"

Diplocket: "I believe we're affected like everybody else by the White Paper The Attack on Inflation. If we're earning £8,500, that's our lot. No increase in fees permissible."

Slough: "But my fee, as you all know, is only £5,000. Doesn't that at least entitle me to another £312 per annum — another £6 a week?"

Diplocket: "Of course not. It's your total earnings that matter. You can't pick up £312 p.a. from each of the companies in which you're involved. You're not eligible for any increase."

Slough: "But surely the Government doesn't intend us to take it's view literally! With inflation as it is it's quite ridiculous to expect a

opecuakor September 20, 1975

director to exist on ...well, it is."

Carfax: "May 1 remind the Brigadier that we publish the fees paid to our directors. I think the Chairman would be in trouble again if any increases well:Made." Diplocket: "You mean they could get me for that too! Another possible summons and another period as a gaolbird?"

Slough: "It's not as bad as you think, Eph. Both sentences would run concurrently, surely." Diplocket: "I think we've heard enough on this one. Let's move to item three — the date and arrangements for the AGM. Wallace?

Carfax: "Well, sir, there's a difficulty. In the past, as you all know we've held the meeting at the Savoy, the Persian Room, and the hotel's done us very well. Admittedly, only twenty or so of our 150,000 shareholders ever turn up, but that's because the investors have been well content with their dividends. This year, I'm sorry to say, things will be different. Some oddball among the shareholders has launched a Snacker and Diplocket action group, and I hear that it'll create quite a fuss at the AGM. This year, as you know, dividend was nil and the action group wants to know why we donated £15,000 to Conservative Party funds, spent £50,000 on the new sports complex for Snacker employees, sponsored the Snacker and Diplocket World Snooker Cup to the tune of £20,000..

Diplocket: "I've heard the same rumours, and I don't mind telling you I don't fancy a showdown with this gang. That fellow Barklett, the journalist, is behind the action group. I suggest that we head them off by changing the venue of the meeting. With rail fares and petrol so expensive I don't think many people would care to attend a buffet lunch in, say, Wick or Lossiemouth. Anyway, that's my proposal — Wick. What d'you say?"

Billican: "An excellent suggestion. In the notice we could explain that the change was due to our North Sea interests."

Diplocket: "Very well, all in favour? Thank you. No other business? Good. Well, the next meeting will be held . well, you'll all be notified."