Another voice
Our wonderful teenagers
Auberon Waugh
Perhaps there is something in the air of Suffolk. An extraordinarily thorough survey which covered 4,000 schoolpersons between the ages of 15 and 19 in that county has produced most heartening results, con- firmed by one's own observations elsewhere. At the back of one's mind there remains the suspicion that since the survey was commissioned by a management train- ing organisation called the British Junior Chamber the teenagers concerned may have confused it in their minds with a job inter- view, and put their more pleasing parts for- ward for inspection. But it is encouraging enough that they were able to answer the questions, let alone produce the right replies.
However much value one may choose to give the survey as evidence of underlying social trends, the document exists, and since there is a traditional association bet- ween 'teenagers' and 'sex' in my business, we might as well discuss it in tandem with last week's report of the Criminal Law Review Committee on sexual offences. This Committee of sexagenarian and sep- tuagenarian lawyers has been pondering its evidence and deliberating for eight years before coming up with its recommendations about who exactly will be permitted to have sexual congress with whom, and how, dur- ing the lifetime of the next Criminal Law Amendment Act.
One of the most endearing things about these Wonderful Teenagers of ours is that they have an overwhelming disinclination to join a trade union. Fewer than 20 per cent of these 4,000 teenagers interviewed in 18 Suffolk schools said that they would want to join a union. Trade unionists who accept that figure will complain bitterly about the effect of press and television bias which distorts their homely, amiable movement into something moronic and alien and vile.
No doubt this is why the Yorkshire pickets show an increasing tendency to beat up photographers and television cameramen when they get the chance. As Christopher Booker sagely remarked a few years ago, they recoil from their own reflec- tions like Caliban thrown into a rage by the spectacle of himself in the mirror. But in fact I feel there is indeed a strong revulsion among the young from the values and noises of the traditional working class, as represented by Arthur Scargill. If only Scargill could learn to click his fingers, wear a Terry Wogan wig and speak in a soft, classless voice with the faintest hint of an Irish accent he would soon have the teenagers dancing to his tune. Kinnock may yet get away with it, although I suspect that the Welsh lilt does not always inspire trust in English hearts. But the accents of Yorkshire, the Mersey and the Tyne are un- doubtedly beginning to produce ripples of hostility elsewhere in the land, all of which is detrimental to the moronic philosophy they seek to advance.
Next, these wonderful teenagers agree with discipline and think there should be more of it in schools. Only 6.2 per cent doubt whether the police are doing a good job, and over half agree that the police should be allowed to use as much force as they think necessary when combating violence. Only 20 per cent claim any interest in politics — 1 am surprised and slightly an- noyed that the figure is as high as that. Perhaps the clue to it is that over 70 per cent are worried about unemployment. I take off my hat to the 30 per cent who are not worried. Most of them would prefer to work and be paid the same money as they would receive on the dole and most would be prepared to fight and die for their coun- try in time of war. The only sign that all the fluoride which has been poured into their water has had the slightest effect on their thinking, or all the rubbish which has been thrust at them in these Shirley Williams hell-holes year in and year out by mad women in jeans, is that 60 per cent claim to be worried by the arms race, and feel it should stop.
Obviously there is room for some re- education on this point. Perhaps an enter- prising games manufacturer might produce a new board game to teach that the arms race can be fun. There used to be a game called Battleships which involved deploying your own fleet and sinking your opponent's. This could be adapted for the nuclear age, using cities and missile sites as targets. But my main point is that these teenagers are plainly not irredeemable, despite being subjected to the Shirley Williams experiment for all their young lives. I wish I could suppose the same was true of London's teenagers, but I am afraid we must leave them to their discos and dole queues, with any vestigial curiosity about life being adequately catered for by the Sun and Daily Star, about politics by the Mili- tant movement and the National Front. But the very least to be deduced from the Wonderful Teenagers Report is that there may be some copies of the exciting new young-look Spectator to be sold in Suffolk. I suggest a task force sets out immediately to tour the 18 schools and convince them that future employers will be impressed. One might even run a regular teenage feature written by the Chief Constable of
Manchester, or anyone else who is really in tune with the Young Idea.
I wonder if the latest report of the Criminal Law Review Committee can really be described as being in tune with these miraculous teenagers. They, after all, will be the ones most affected by it during the currency of whatever Bill is eventually enacted. I cannot imagine that many of the elderly judges on the committee are ten1P- ted to practise the things they pronounce upon; even if they do practise them occa- sionally, I cannot believe it is very often. Teenagers, on the other hand, have a whole lifetime of sexual activity in front of them in one form or another — or inactivity, as the case may be. What arrangements d° these wise old gentlemen (and ladies) Pro- pose for them? Well, in a marvellous balancing act bet ween ushering in greater permissiveness ana, imposing new restrictions, a young lass of 16 may be buggered, if she wishes, but a young lad will have to wait until he is 18 for the same experience. This is more per- missive than the present arrangement' under which the lad must wait until he is 21 and the lass has no such opportunity in her entire life.
It all sounds very nice and permissive, but are their assembled lordships and worship s certain that this is what the new of teenagers is concerned about? Brothers
rs. and sisters will be able to have carnal knowledge of each other at the age of 2li. whereas previously they had no chance ,s° it; but step-daughters and step-sons will tie denied the carnal knowledge of their steP- parents to which they were previously' en- titled, if they were of age and agreed to It. Sodomy with animals will be a less serious offence than previously, but procur; ing a person to commit bestiality will still b. very serious indeed; when married, the laa will be permitted to rape his wife if they area still living together, but forbidden to raPd' , her if living separately. On the other hall if some hysterical and mendacious woniallo falsely accuses him of raping or trying t r rape her, his name will be plastered all c'vee the newspapers, while the woman's will be kept secret. No evidence of previo.: intimacy between them will be allowecl however relevant it may be to the defence- It must be great fun for those of advanc- ed years and declining performance to b. able to decide how their youngers shout: behave. One curiosity which emerged froas these elderly deliberations was that where homosexual acts between consenting acluhe in private will remain perfectly withill,t,ve law, a new and specific offence will of committed occur in the cubic'''. f a How do they think of these things?, ,I, don't know. What about the lavatorY train, or a broom cupboard in the Ministl of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food? As say, it must be a comfort for old people be able to decide these things, but 1 w°°,..t, be most surprised if any of our wonder teenagers paid a blind bit of notice.
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