Television
Crocodile wares
Wendy Cope
Afriend of mine owns a crocodile-skin briefcase which once belonged to his father. When he carries this object with him on journeys around London, he is sometimes berated by complete strangers. Each time, he explains in a calm and rational way that the crocodile has been dead for more than 30 years and that ceasing to use the briefcase will not help it now. His argument, it seems, cuts little ice with the creature's defenders. I mention this because it could be that people wearing salmon skin will meet with a similar problem. The salmon were dead anyway, the rest of their remains having been served up on plates. None the less, fashion students at Newcastle Poly had misgivings, at first, about designing salmon-skin clothes. But eventually the fish-dead-anyway argument, together with an assurance that this particular fish is not an endangered species, i convinced them that it was all right to take part in the project.
If Sunday's edition of The Clothes Show (BBC 1, 5.50 p.m.) had been broadcast two weeks earlier, I would, without hesita- tion, have congratulated the programme- makers on a brilliant joke. There was an interview with one Roy Brown of Aqua Leather, who said that the main difficulty had been working out how to eliminate the smell. Then we saw models wearing the finished product — ludicrous silver mini- dresses, shiny shorts and salmon ties for the gentlemen.
A little later in the programme there was a film about summer fashions. Viewers were asked to believe that raffia is going to be big in the coming season — raffia- trimmed dresses, skirts and even jackets.
As I consider the next Clothes Show item, it dawns on me that it cannot possibly have been for real. For Easter Sunday, they came up with a wonderful little concoction called Altar Egos, featuring four people who were said to be clergy at Oldham Parish Church. They included two women — Rev Frances Ward and Rev Wendy Bracegirdle. Even then I didn't twig. These four, we were told, had written to the programme asking for a makeover. Each of them talked to camera about his or her attitude to clothes. The more conserva- tive of the two men said he liked to wear suits. The other, a trendier type with designer stubble, said he liked to look `smart and casual'. Rev Bracegirdle wanted to be 'professional, smart and feminine'.
`Oedipus wants to spend more time with his family' After they'd had the full Clothes Show treatment, all four looked worse than they had in the first place. As any reader of women's magazines will know, this is the normal thing with makeovers. The con- servative male reverend was attired first in an appalling C & A suit, and then in an even more appalling British Home Stores zip-up jacket. Rev Bracegirdle was per- suaded to put on a black leather jacket that couldn't have been less professional, smart or feminine.
What a good wheeze, and how gullible of me to sit through it without realising. Or so I thought, until the phone rang and I discussed the matter with a churchgoing acquaintance. He assures me that Oldham Parish Church really exists and probably does have female reverends, who would be deacons. Furthermore, it has a reputation for rather racy clergy — don't say 'racy' but `game' — who might well take part in a programme like this.
In the last few minutes of The Clothes Show we were shown the new uniforms for Brownies and Girl Guides. These also appeared in a Sunday newspaper and I'm pretty sure they're authentic. But what about the raffia jackets and salmon-skin ties? Instances, presumably, of fashion being stranger than fiction.
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