COMPETITION

It's a gas

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2098 you were informed that Centrica is closing all 243 gas showrooms and asked for a song, to a well- known tune, to celebrate their passing.

Being unwilling to believe that my friend the comp-setter once had a deeply distress- ing experience in a gas showroom, I inter- pret his 'celebrate' as meaning 'commemo- rate' rather than 'rejoice over'. For myself, having patronised a second-hand, rarely cleaned gas cooker for 17 years, I felt at one with Gerard Benson, who sang (to the tune of '0 Tannenbaum'):

There's thousands who are quite bereft To learn that Centrica has left.

But, as for me, I do not care: I hadn't noticed you were there.

Few of you burnt with a hard, gemlike flame in response to this challenge, but the five prizewinners, printed below, are up to palmary standard. They get £30 each, except for T. Griffiths, whose brevi- ty costs him a tenner. The bonus bottle of The Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky is on its way to Geoffrey Riley.

(To 'White Christmas') I'm dreaming of a gas showroom, Just like the one I used to know, Where the gas stoves glisten And staff will listen And tell you all you need to know.

I'm missing our old gas showroom, Where we could go for friendly chats About bills and meters And hobs and heaters And kilowatts and thermostats.

I'm hoping that a new showroom Will open up some happy day; But, till then, there's nowhere That we can go where We can gas the hours away! (Geoffrey Riley) (To `And Did Those Feet . . . ') And have they closed, the Homes of Gas, That for so long in England stood? And will those famous showroom doors Be gone from English towns for good?

And is that happy blue gas flame Gone out for ever from our land? And will those pleasant showroom folk No more attend our least demand?

Bring out for us your best champagne, Bring out your glasses, fill them full, Now raise them up and drink a toast To faithful servants of John Bull.

Though you are gone, we won't forget Your prim displays, your spotless parts; Plant what they will in place of you, We'll always hold you in our hearts. (Frank Mc Donald) ( To 'Annie Laurie') Elspeth, how I will miss you, Abandoned is our till;

How much I longed to kiss you When I went to pay my bill;

When I went to pay my bill, You smiled and spoke to me; No more will the showroom issue The warmth of humanity.

No stoves — the place is shuttered - No high-gas grills for toast, Now nary a word is uttered As my cheque's put in the post, As my cheque's put in the post; You showed a fire to me, But love, like a candle, guttered, When the showroom ceased to be.

(Anne Du Croz) (To 'As Time Goes By') A bill is just a bill, But please remember still That little shop is gone In which you used to pay to make sure Your gas goes on.

Goodbye, dear little shop, And don't forget to drop Your cheque, my paragon, Straight in the post to make it certain Your gas goes on. Don't hope that you can pay In some outdated way, Don't be a mastodon; The times are full of change, but always Your gas goes on. (Paul Griffin) (To 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary') It's a long way to Centrica, It's a long way now, It's a long way to Centrica, To Head Office at Slough; Goodbye, gas showroom; farewell, once so near; It's a long, long way to Centrica, But my heart's right there. (T. Griffiths)