Prebictions for tie near 1957
BY ALOYS1US C. BICKERSTAFF
HAVE considered the gross abuse of Astrology in this Kingdom, and upon debating the Matter with myself, I could not possibly lay the Fault upon the Art, but upon its Practitioners, such as the Casters of Horoscopes, who will commit themselves no further than to say that Those born between October 23rd and November 22nd (Scorpio) will have difficult Conditions all this Week, but some new Developments may affect their emotional Lives. Having long observed and lamented this Abuse, I have resolved to proceed in a new Way, which I doubt not will be to the general Satisfaction of my Readers. What the new Way is, it will be sufficient for them to judge when my Predic- tions are verified.
3anuarp
My first prediction is that on the 1st of January a List of Honours will be pub- lighed, which will reveal that Lord Cher- well has been made Viscount Isis.
On the 7th will be seen an announcement that the quantity of Coal mined in this Kingdom in 1956 was 4 million tons less than in 1955.
On the 10th Mr. Henry Luce will be appointed American Ambassador to the Court of St. James.
On the 11th Mr. Randolph Churchill will write an Article for the Evening Standard, called 'Persona Non Grata.'
On the 27th the Press Council will cen- sure Mr. Herbert Gunn, Editor of the Daily Sketch, for refusing to print in full the Press Council's Censures of Mr. Gunn, and of the Daily Sketch, in the Daily Sketch.
On the 28th Mr. Herbert Gunn will pass some Remarks about the Press Council which I do not propose to print.
februarp
On the 4th a Bulldozer, the Property of the Oxford City Council, will be overturned by a Mob of Undergraduates before it begins to excavate a Road through the Christ Church Meadow; after which the mob will march on All Souls to tar and feather Mr. A. L. Rowse; and a Passer-By will be unfortunately trampled to Death at the Corner of the Turl.
On the 5th Warden Sparrow will leave for a Holiday in Bermuda.
On the 10th the Chancellor of the Ex- chequer will explain that the rise of seven Points in the Cost of Living represents the Foothills leading up to a new Plateau.
On the 1 1 th the Chancellor of the Ex- chequer will leave for a holiday in the Bahamas.
On the 14th the Minister of Defence, speaking on the Estimates, will regret that the Country's fighter Squadrons are still awaiting Aircraft; the Swifts and Javelins having proved too slow; and the Hunters being in the Process of Modification so that they can tire their Cannon without endangering the Lives of their Pilots.
On the 21st Mr. Oliver Edwards will write on 'Books for the Bath'; namely, The Cruise of the Cachalot; Jemima Puddle- duck; and He Made the Little Fishes Too (Waterproof Paper, 1 1 s. 9d. post free).
Marc!)
On the 2nd the Lord chamberlain will refuse a Licence for a production of an English version of Occupe-toi d'Amilie; but he will license No Nudes is Bad Nudes for a protracted Provincial Tour.
On the 11th Gollancz will announce that Mr. Colin Wilson's forthcoming Musings on Monomania has gone through seven Editions and 83 Impressions before Pub- lication.
On the 14th the United Nations Assem- bly will call upon Russia to withdraw her troops from Afghanistan by 53 votes to 12, with India abstaining.
On the 15th President Eisenhower will do the third Hole at Augusta, Ga., in One.
April
On the 1st Mr. Malcolm Muggeridge will send inscribed copies of the bound volumes of Punch for 1955 and 1956 to Sir Anthony Eden. What the Inscription will be it is not for Me to disclose.
On the 2nd the Cabinet will insist that Sir Anthony leav'es for a Holiday in Copacabana.
On the 3rd Mr. Randolph Churchill will write an Article for the Evening Standard called 'A Sinking Ship.'
On the 13th Sir Malcolm Sargent will conduct massed Symphony Orchestras in a Performance of Messiah in Hyde Park.
On the 17th British Railways will an- nounce a deficit of £75 million for the financial Year : which General Sir Brian Robertson will explain would have been £125 million had it not been for Petrol Rationing.
On the 18th General Sir Brian Robertson will leave for a Holiday in the Sandwich Islands.
On the 19th Mr. Tony Moynihan will sign a Contract to exhibit himself in a Barrel during the Summer Season at Black- pool, for a Salary of £35 a Week, excluding the Hire of the Barrel.
On the 21st Pendennis of the Observer will discuss the forthcoming Elections for the Treasurership of the Nuneaton Stu- dents' Debating Society; condemn a Case of alleged Colour Prejudice in Balham; and publish a Correction to a Misquotation in his Column the previous Sunday, noted by 5,371 readers.
On the 28th the Minister of Fuel and Power will announce that owing to the dis- covery of 75 more Blockships sunk in the Suez Canal the basic ration will be reduced to a half Gallon a Month.
On the 29th the Minister of Fuel and Power will leave for a Holiday in Tristan da Cunha.
(Zap
On the 2nd Mr. Michael Benthall will produce Romeo and Juliet at the Old Vic, with Robert Helpmann and Mary Morris alternating the Name Parts.
On the 5th Mr. Kenneth Tynan will say 'ambivalent . . .'; and Mr. Harold Hobson will argue that M. Barrault and Mlle. Renaud do it very much better.
On the 14th the Swindon Magistrates will convict J. Murray, Publisher, and K. Clark, Author, of the Publication of an obscene Book, to wit : The Nude; sentence them to twelve Months' Imprisonment; and order the Book to be burned by the Beadle.
On the 20th Lord Beaverbrook will corn- mission Mr. Milton Shulman to write a biography of Austen Chamberlain.
On the 29th, in the continued Absence of the Chancellor of the Exchequer in the Bahamas, his Parliamentary Private Secre- tary will introduce his Budget; which sub- ject is too Painful for me to proceed with Farther.
On the 30th the Parliamentary Private Secretary to the Chancellor of the Ex- chequer will leave for a Holiday in the Falkland Islands.
3une
On the 4th Sir Alfred Munnings will cut Sir John Rothenstein at the Royal Academy Dinner. In the Birthday Honours Dr. Charles Hill will be elevated to the Peerage under the Title of Lord Aureomycin; Warden Sparrow will become Lord Broad; and Vis- count Isis will be made the Earl of Turl.
On the 9th the Daily Herald will publish a Report that Sir Anthony Eden is to
resign.
On the 10th, at a press conference in the Copacabana Four Hundred Club, Sir Anthony will say that there is no Truth whatever in the Report. On the 12th Mr. Portfolio Rubirosa will Marry Anita Ekberg.
On the 13th Mr. Rubirosa will book a Ticket for Reno.
On the 20th Lord Beaverbrook will coin- Mission Miss Nancy Spain to write a Bio- raphy of A. J. Balfour.
On the 27th Mr. Philip Toynbee will lead a Pilgrimage of penitent past Party-Liners to the Tomb of Thomas a Becket at Canter- bury; where they will be publicly scourged by the Dean.
On the 29th President Eisenhower will do the 7th hole at Augusta, Ga., in 13 shots.
3utp
The July number of Encounter will in- clude Richard Wollheim on 'The Political Thought of Peregrine Worsthorne'; Pere- grine Worsthorne on 'Conservatism and T. E. Utley'; and T. E. Utley 'On Reading Wollheirn.'
On the 14th I Was Burgess's Scoutmaster, With a Foreword by Torn Driberg, will be caustically reviewed by Cyril Connolly in the Sunday Times. On the 20th Mrs. Charlotte Haldane will stamp on the Tail of a sacred Monkey in the Ghats on the Banks of the Ganges.
„ The August Number of the Reader's Digest will announce the Discovery of a
Illnesses Wonder Drug designed to cure all the Illnesses brought on by the Misuse of earlier. Wonder Drugs.
On the 8th the Scottish Edition of the Daily Express will call The Board Room,
,
1. E. Eliot's new Play 'a Monumental Achievement, weakened only by brief
Moments of Boredom'; the London Edition of the Daily Express on the same Day will call it 'a monumental Bore, relieved only by Moments of Achievement.'
On the 10th Mr. John Freeman will write a long Article describing the magni- ficent Economic Achievements of the Albanian People's Democracy since the deposition of King Zog.
On the 11th the Albanian people will rise; and Mr. Hoxha and his entire Cabinet will be hanged.
On the 17th a certain Weekly will say in its Leader that though it is idle to deny that the Russian decision to deport the entire population of Albania to Siberia must cause concern, all thinking Men would agree that the Albanians, in their new Environment, should work for a Socialist Solution to their Problems.
On the 18th Mr. John Foster Dulles will say that the Albanian Crisis represents a triumph for American Foreign Policy.
On the 20th Lord Beaverbrook will com- mission Eve Perrick and Anne Edwards to write a Biography of Walter Long.
On the 23rd Mr. R. A. Butler, reviewing the Achievements of the Tory Government, will announce that Liberian Dredgers have nearly finished clearing the Suez Canal.
On the 24th Mr. R. A. Butler will leave for a Holiday in the Lofoten Islands.
Zeptember
On the 8th Mr. Arthur Horner will call upon the Trades Union Congress, meeting at Blackpool, to raise a Fund for the de- pendants of the Hungarian Secret Police killed in the rising by Fascist Reactionaries.
On the 10th Panama will nationalise a Canal.
On the 11th President Eisenhower will unveil a monument at Gettysburg to the Golfers who fell in the Civil War.
On the 13th, in the continued absence of Sir Anthony Eden, Mr. Butler, Mr. Macmillan, etc., on Holiday, a N ightwatch- man Cabinet will be formed under Sir Reginald Manningham-Buller.
On the 14th Mr. Randolph Churchill will write an Article for the Evening Standard called Scraping the Barrel.
At a Dinner on the 20th to celebrate the second Anniversary of Commercial Tele- vision Sir Robert Fraser will announce that the Programme It's All Yours, a give-away. Show in which Competitors who pour Sewage over their Husbands for not less than five Seconds can win up to £20,000,
has been . watched by more Viewers than any other TV Programme since the Coronation.
October
On the 1st Sir Anthony Eden, inter- viewed while under-water fishing, will say that the Prospects for World Peace were never darker.
On the 2nd Mr. John Foster Dulles, interviewed at Baluchistan on his way to the Colombo Conference, will say that prospects for World Peace were never brighter.
At the Labour Party Conference Mrs. Barbara Castle and Dr. Edith Summerskill will give each other Advice on Hats which will greatly interest all Delegates within Earshot.
At the Conservative Party Conference Sir Reginald Manningham-Buller will read a Telegram from the Lofoten Islands to the Effect that Mr. Butler thinks Sir Reginald Manningham-Buller the greatest Night- watchman Prime Minister he has ever served under.
On the 19th the Royal Command Film Performance will show John Mills in The Cockroft Story, with Kenneth More (as Sir William Penney), John Gregson, Dirk Bogarde, Donald Sinden and James Robert- son Justice (as Pontecorvo), and Her Majesty will be introduced to Miss Phyllis Dixey, Sabrina and Diana Dors.
On the 23rd Sir John Harding will say that the new wave of Terrorist Activity in Cyprus, resulting in 73 Deaths in a week, is a Sign that the Terrorists are getting near the End of their Tether.
14ovember
On the 2nd the first of the Reith Lectures will be given by Sir George Barnes.
On the 6th President Eisenhower will inaugurate a Golf Course in Arizona by driving a ball across the Grand Canyon.
Mr. John Foster Dulles, interviewed at Isfahan on his way back from the SEATO Conference, will say that the Prospects for World Peace were never darker.
Sir Anthony Eden, interviewed in the Azores, will say that the prospects for world peace were never brighter.
An unusually early Cold Spell will leave the Country without Fuel, Transport, Elec- tricity, Gas, or Newspapers, preventing the publication of Mr. Macmillan's article in the Daily Express, 'Balm from the Bahamas: or Turning the Corner.' It will also prevent the publication of Mr. Randolph Churchill's Article in the Even- ing Standard the following day, Rounding the Bend.
Mecember
On the 16th the Church Assembly will meet in London; Mr. John Betjeman will escape from a Horde of Archdeacons only by taking Sanctuary in the Crypt of St. Martin-in-the-Fields.
On the 18th 35 people will be injured by a Gale blowing Father Holly off Selfridge s into the Street below.
On the 22nd Mr. Elvis Presley will lead the massed choirs in carol-singing in the Albert Hall. A Journalist carried out suf- fering from Apoplexy will be identified as Mr. William Connor. On the 23rd Sir Anthony Eden will announce from the Balearic Islands that the Government is absolutely united. On the 26th a great many People will wish that they had never been born.
On the 30th Sir Reginald Manningharn- Buller will announce that Britain has agreed to pay Colonel Nasser the full costs of Egypt's nationalising the Suez Canal Users Association.
And on the 31st Sir Reginald Manning' ham-Buller, Mr. Lennox-Boyd, Mr. Selwyn Lloyd, Lord Aureomycin, Mr. Head, Mr. Hare and Lord John Hope will leave for the Antarctic, just in Time.
Previous page
