Low life
Artful dodging
Jeffrey Bernard
The Russians have got a lot going for them. In August the tank crew who sold their tank for two cases of vodka became immortal but were probably shot, and now we have just had the nut who feigned unconsciousness for three weeks in a hos- pital in Hemel Hempstead. The fact that he asked for a single room with a cooker and a nurse to read him Byron makes me warm to him. He apparently speaks good
English and so could have read Byron himself, but I agree that it might be nicer coming from a nurse. What though, I wonder, would the Russians say to an Englishman feigning unconsciousness in a Moscow hospital, demanding a single room with a cooker and a nurse to read him Chekhov? Not a lot. But could this be a good way out of trouble? When the bailiffs next arrive with a warrant for income tax Could one simply drop on to the floor and pretend to be asleep for as long as possi- ble? I am always on the lookout for excuses and this could be a good one.
Twice in my life I have fallen asleep when accompanied by a woman, but this doesn't go down very well. What is a little extraordinary in that situation is that the woman always assumes that the dormant lover is drunk. It never crosses her mind that she might be extremely boring and nine out of ten men I have questioned about this have affirmed that they were bored as well as tired. My man in Wool- wich is quite good with excuses. Years ago, when he worked for the Turkish embassy and failed to turn up for work one day the 2.30 at Newmarket held more charm for him — he told the ambassador that the taxi he'd been in taking him to work had capsised at Hyde Park Corner. No taxi has ever tipped over. The following day, he was in a taxi going to the embassy and it turned over at Hyde Park Corner. Can you use the same excuse two days on the trot?
That particular ambassador was quite a shrewd nut too. On another occasion the Woolwich man took an entire week off for the National Hunt Festival at Cheltenham and told the boss that he was doing jury service. The next year he tried it again, but the ambassador quite rightly pointed out that once you have sat on a murder trial you are discharged from further jury ser- vice for ever. This week I did a genuine snooze but they won't believe it which is quite annoying. I took some Night Nurse for a bad cold and was woken up by the Sporting Life at 6 p.m. asking me where the hell was my column. The stuff had completely knocked me out and it shouldn't be taken with drink so they tell me now.
But being stuck in a lift goes down quite well and I have never known it questioned. It could be tempting fate though and being somewhat superstitious I never drag in names of people I love when making excuses. A lift is a dodgy machine but a daughter is a daughter. The thing is to pile it on heavily or not at all and tell the truth. If you said to someone that you failed to turn up to meet them because you had been having a test for Aids that would be accepted, as would anything that people don't want to think about. If you said that you couldn't make an appointment be- cause you had just had a heart attack when you were with a call-girl that would be all right. You could even embellish that one in fact and say that the heart attack came about when you were presented with the
bill. But I think the Russian man has cracked it. He even fell to the floor and slept while being questioned by a magis- trate, so proving that it is possible to fall asleep anywhere. The only place I have found it impossible to sleep in is the Middlesex Hospital. I used to pretend to when Norman used to visit me because he was so embarrassing. He would ask me, in an extremely loud voice, 'Is that bloke in the next bed dying?' He has a nose for death and disaster. The Russian would never have got past Norman. Norman would have simply taken the man's £25,000 which would have made even an Oblomov dance. Seven years ago I wrote here that a barmaid who worked at the George in Lambourn made me fall asleep at the bar when telling me what she thought of the weather. She never forgave me. No one can be that tired at I la.m. Except for the Russian.
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