SPECTATOR CHRISTMAS QUIZ

Set by Christopher Howse

Queen's English

Match the definitions to the words 1. A roughened bar, on which a ring is grat- ed, used instead of a knocker or door-bell.

2. A lascar steersman or quartermaster.

3. One who sells short weight in charcoal.

4. A Spartan secret writing on a strip wound round a stick, unreadable without a stick of equal thickness.

5. The refuse of whale-blubber.

6. The waste produced in a woollen-mill from hard-spun or felted cloth, or from tearing up old clothes, used in making cheap cloth.

7. A genus of fungi found especially on grasses - e.g. wheat scab.

8. A one-eyed people of the extreme north, described by Herodotus, warring perpetual- ly with griffins for gold hoards.

9. A Cornish miner's name for a cavity in a rock, usually lined with crystals.

10. A flowered chintz bedcover common in the East.

a. Leger b. Palampore c. Mungo d. Risp e. Seacunny f. Scytale g. Arimaspian h. Fenks i. Vug j. Gibberella

Screen test This year:

1. Who played a Red Indian-loving Green Lieutenant on the frontier in February and a green man in the forest in July?

2. Which overweight Frenchman starred in Green Card?

3. Who played the fictional McCoy in The Bonfire of the Vanities?

4. Zeffirelli gave us an Aussie Hamlet. Who?

5. Which Carson McCullers story did Simon Callow direct?

6. Which overweight Frenchman played Cyrano?

7. Who gave an unlamblike performance as Dr Hannibal Lecter?

8. Thelma and who?

9. What did Peter Greenaway call his ver- sion of The Tempest?

10. Of which Mel Brooks film did one critic say, `It stinks.'

Swings and roundabouts This year: 1. Off which country did a Greek naval cap- tain prefer to leave before the women and children?

2. Which city voted to resume the name St Petersburg? 3. Which authority decided to replace beefeaters with Peter Rabbit?

4. Who had to return to the dressing-room because he couldn't get his leg over?

5. Which ticket agency went dark after 191 years?

6. From what was Dr Stefan Buczacki pruned?

7. Whom did the Magic Circle admit for the first time?

8. Which peer resigned from the Booker Prize committee?

9. Which prize did Aung Sun Suu Kyi win?

10. Which Nigerian who was once impris- oned in a packing-case gained admission to the Bar?

Pogonotrophy

1. Of whom did Edward Lear write, 'His beard it resembleth a wig.'?'

2. Who moved his beard from the execu- tioner's block, remarking, 'This hath not offended the king'?

3. 'Behold, how good and joyful a thing it is, brethren, to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the head that ran down unto the beard; even unto . . . ' Whose beard?

4. Who, in the Seven Ages of Man, are a) 'bearded like the pard', b) 'with eyes severe and beard of formal cut'?

5. Which Tsar forbade his nobles to wear beards?

6. Who was the last British Prime Minister to wear a beard?

7. Which fictional villain is based on Gilles de Rais?

8. What was the nickname of the Emperor Frederick I?

9. Who was the artist who painted the bearded pope, Julius II, on show in the National Gallery?

10. What is Clirnatis vitalba, traveller's joy or virgin's bower also known as?

Winged chariot 1. What time were the clocks striking at the beginning of Nineteen Eighty-Four?

2. At what time did the ghostly form of Mr Belaker, the allegro, negro cocktail shaker, appear in Edith Sitwell's poem?

3. When do they foam at the mouth, and run in Bangkok?

4. At what time was David Copperfield born?

5. The Apostles were not drunk, for it was only what hour?

6. Is there honey still for tea when the clock stands at what time?

7. 'Pray, my dear,' quoth my mother, 'have you not forgot to wind up the clock? 'Good 0-!' cried my father, making an exclamation, but taking care to moderate his voice at the same time, - 'Did ever woman, since the creation of the world, interrupt a man with such a silly question?' Whose conception did she interrupt?

8. In The Rape of the Lock, at what time do `lapdogs give themselves the rousing shake'?

9. What is the 'rose-red city - "half as old as Time" '?

10. Whose sonnet of desolation recorded that: Birds build - but not I build; no, but strain, Time's eunuch, and not breed one work that wakes.

Says who?

This year who said: 1. I picked up the fourth telephone. None of them worked - they were all cut off.

2. He reminds me of the Fat Boy in Pick- wick Papers who creeps up on a timid old lady saying 'I want [sic] to make your flesh creep.'

3. On a lighter note, shall we sign a decree suspending the activity of the Russian Communist Party?

4. Chess is ruthless. You've got to be pre- pared to kill people.

5. Human wrongdoing is inextricably linked to social deprivation, poverty, poor housing and illiteracy.

6. The picture is undeniably improving . . . I am confident that we are coming out of the recession.

7. I am only too painfully aware that I was responsible for the legislation.

8. I would like to have been here for most of the evening, but in this free country I am not a free man. I have hit a rather problem- atical reef.

9. Well, hello, it's very nice to be here and free in Damascus.

SPECTATOR CHRISTMAS QUIZ

10. The hug is a simple and highly effective way of sharing concern or showing approval.

Shady business 1. What was Robinson Crusoe's umbrella made of?

2. Which enemy of tea-drinking popu- larised umbrellas in 18th-century London?

3. To whom did Mrs Gamp attribute expressions of praise towards herself?

4. In Struwelpeter which boy was carried into the air by his umbrella?

5. In which continent does the leaf-carrying sauba or umbrella ant live?

6. Whose painting, 'Les Parapluies', dating from 1883, is in the National Gallery?

7. Which 17th-century divine wrote in his Sermons: 'We shall dishonour the sufferings of our blessed Saviour, if we make them to be a [sic] Umbrello [sic] to shelter our impi- ous and ungodly living.'

8. In Our Mutual Friend which itinerant print-seller had a pitch on a corner not far from Cavendish Square and 'when the weather was wet, he put up his umbrella over his stock-in-trade, not over himself; when the weather was dry, he furled that faded article, tied it round with yarn, and laid it cross-wise under the trestles; where it looked like an unwholesomely-forced let- tuce that had lost in colour and crispness what it had gained in size.'

9. Name the 1964 screen operetta directed by Jacques Demy.

10. Who hid under an umbrella when a monstrous crow as black as a tar-barrel flew down.

Sporting times Frank Keating asks: 1. Who last Christmas was Snow White's Oddjob; Jack's 'King of the Beanstalk'; and Aladdin's genie?

2. Who rode the 1991 Derby winner, Gen- erous, and who sponsored the race?

3. Who was awarded the CBE in the Birth- day Honours list 35 years after his last Test match for England?

4. Whose wife said his OBE should stand for 'Old Big 'Ead'?

5. Who won 1991's cricket County Champi- onship; the Football League Champi- onship; and the rugby union World Cup?

6. Nobody has ever scored 50 international goals for England at soccer. Which two players are closest to the half-century?

7. Two compatriots reached the 1991 Wim- bledon men's singles final. From which country?

8. In August, what was celebrated by the Guardian headline: 'It ain't over till the fat man swings'.

9. What biter was bit badly in the leg in north London in May?

10. Which country's disputed try effectively knocked Wales out of the rugby World Cup?

Rock bottom Name the groups with which the following performed: 1. John Simon Ritchie, who died in 1978 of a drug overdose after being charged with the murder of Nancy Spungen.

2. John Bonham, who died in 1979 after drinking an estimated 40 shots of vodka in 12 hours.

3. Cass Elliot, who died in 1974 after chok- ing on a sandwich.

4. Jimi Hendrix, who died of drugs in Lon- don in 1970.

5. Marc Bolan, who died in a car crash in 1977.

6. Brian Jones, who drowned in his swim- ming pool in 1969. 7. Ronnie Van Zant, who died in a plane crash in 1977.

8. Jim Morrison, who died in his bath in 1971.

9. Keith Moon, who died of a drug over- dose in 1978.

10. James Honeymann-Scott, who died of a drug overdose in 1982.

Red, white and blue s, 1. What is the vulgar .name for the garden plant Kniphofia uvaria?

2. Which group performed 'A Whiter Shade of Pale'?

3. Which artist painted 'The Blue Boy'?

4. Who wrote the novel Le rouge et le noir?

5. Which 18th-century Hampshire natural- ist had a tortoise called Timothy?

6. What is the plant Poa compressa, com- mon in Kentucky, generally known as?

7. Which poet wrote of 'The household bird with the red stomacher'?

8. What is the chief chemical component in the artists' pigment China white?

9. Which fictional character referred to: `The wictim of connubiality, as Blue Beard's domestic chaplain said, with a tear of pity, ven he buried him?

10. Which poet wrote: 'Phoebus, arise And paint the sable skies, With azure, white, and red.'

Si monumentum 1. Who designed St Paul's Cathedral?

2. Who sculpted the lions in Trafalgar Square?

3. Who designed scenery for Ben Jonson's masques and the banqueting house in Whitehall?

4. With which architect did Gertrude Jekyll collaborate in making gardens?

5. Which railway terminus did the grandfa- ther of the architect of Liverpool (Angli- can) Cathedral design?

6. Apart from the Royal Pavilion at Brighton, which other palace did John Nash work on?

7. Which great dome did Sydney Smirke design?

8. Name the author of The Provok'd Wife, who designed Castle Howard.

9. Which father and son built the first tun- nel under the Thames?

10. To which duke was Joseph Paxton gar- den superintendent?

Nominal acrostic Write the letters indicated from the follow- ing Christian names in the boxes, and a sea- sonal message will appear: 1. The 1st and 2nd of the patron saint of Catalonia, or the engineer of the Rocket.

2. The 2nd and 4th of a Byzantine emperor (1048-1114) or a British blues and rock musician (1928-84).

3. The 2nd and 4th of a maker of clothes for the poor in the Acts of the Apostles, or a shepherdess in The Winter's Tale.

4. The 2nd and 3rd of the son of George II killed by a cricket ball or a cartoon basset.

5. The 2nd and 3rd of an Oxford term or a cautionary tale-teller.

6. The 1st and 5th of a Keatsian eve or David Copperfield's wife and daughter.

7. The 3rd and 5th of Alexander the Great's father or Mary Tudor's husband.

8. The 2nd and 7th of the editor of the Independent or an Old English poem.

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Answers: page 100