Afterthought

By ALAN BRIEN

The best first-aid for a burn or scald is cold water. Change it as soon as it warms up to skin temperature. You will find the pain rapidly dis- appears and leaves behind no scar or blister.

Unless you prefer a slow and argumentative ride, never contradict a taxi-driver—especially in New York.

If you are embarrassed by bargaining about money, follow this routine—ask the amount offered, ask to have the amount repeated, then make a grimace of disappointment and, if pos- sible, walk away without saying a single extra word. Silence here really is golden. The people who are expert at buying and selling cannot bear negotiating in a vacuum.

Never squeeze a spot where the flesh is close to the skin, especially on the chin or the cheek- bone.

Be wary about prosecuting your fellows too closely for some weakness in character, per- sonality or intellect—the reason you have noticed this weakness, and find it so infuriating, is that you fear (usually correctly) that you share it.

The man who looks ten or fifteen years younger than the rest of his generation will almost invariably turn out to be a homosexual.

The bigger the bully, the bigger the coward. This is usually true but almost never helpful. The point is—he is bigger. As the rest of us are cowards too, his size is the deciding factor.

Men who wear bow ties are adventurers, opportunists, social-climbers, outsiders who wish to be mistaken for insiders, outlaws ambitious to become in-laws.

Ugly girls ought to have a great deal more talent as actresses than pretty girls—but they very rarely do.

Strangers who resemble someone you know usually turn out to share other characteristics too. You should trust those who look like your friends and shun those who look like your enemies. If you meet anyone who looks like you, duck.

A human expression on the face of an animal may not be an accurate reflection of its inner emotions. An animal expression on a human face is almost always only too precise a guide to the feelings within. The man who appears piggish is piggish. Any apparent exception to this rule will usually turn out to be due to a mis- understanding of the nature of the animal not of the man.

With very few exceptions (notably the Forum in Chancery Lane upstairs and the Café Royal in Edinburgh downstairs) all restaurants staffed by waitresses are inferior to those staffed by waiters.

The woman most ripe for seduction in your circle is the woman fifteen years older than you are—especially if she was thought a great beauty fifteen years ago.

Sincerity is the deadliest, and often most dangerous, of the seven deadly virtues. Beware

of sincere men, they are boring, inflexible, fanatical, foolhardy, humourless, and, occasion- ally, insane.

Acute self-consciousness is a virulent form of vanity. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred when you think you are making an outstanding fool of yourself in public, no one has even noticed you exist.

An antidote against suicide-make a list of those who deserve to die with you. If you are determined to go, why go alone? Murder some enemy of the people in some country with capital punishment and let the public executioner do the messy job for you.

Other signs of male homosexuality-keeping loose change in a purse, wearing large cuff-links,

heavy drinking, mild skin ailments, over-ready laughter, bitchiness in gossip, use of excremental imagery, anal concern for neatness, tidiness, orderly arrangement of possessions, socially acceptable exhibitionism in dress, in writing, on television or on stage.

You can tell more about a man by his diseases than by his hobbies. Indeed, his diseases are his hobbies very often and a chronic ailment is a life's work of art. Groddeck used to ask a patient with a stuffed-up nose, 'What smell are you trying to avoid noticing?' A good question. It is more difficult to think of a good answer. But if you look around you, examples of self-induced illness, such as Auden's 'liar's quinsy,' are not hard to find. It is comparatively simple to avoid libelling the enemy you are attacking head on. It is all too easy to libel a bystander in a brief footnote or a glancing aside in brackets.

If a young nun can produce the stigmata by meditating on the death of Jesus, then a middle- aged rationalist ought to be able to drive off flu, colds, hangovers, headaches and minor bruises by meditating on his own end. Life is too short to spend in an inefficient body. Concentrated thought can usually suppress symptoms of minor disorders-especially if you picture the red corpuscles as revolutionary armies driving out the invading, imperialist lackeys of the viruses or whatever they call themselves.

The best cure for a hangover is work.